Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A farmer spends $15,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows. He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bull once per day. It will help with the urge to mate. After a few days, the bull starts to service a few cows, and within a week, every cow on the farm. The bull even breaks through the fence and breeds with all of the neighbor’s cows. He turns into a mating machine. A friend of the farmer asks exactly what the vet gave the bull to cause such a drastic change.
“I don’t know exactly what was in those pills,” the farmer says. “All I can tell you is they work and they taste like peppermint.”

 

[DWR]

So I'm sitting in my man cave enjoying the football game, when I hear my wife sobbing in the next room.
She calls out to me, "Honey, come help me."
When I get to the doorway she falls into my arms, crying uncontrollably saying that she's having a hard time with a puzzle.
A little disgruntled, but being Mr. Wonderful, I ask her to show me the puzzle so I can help.
She leads me to the table and says, "See, it's supposed to be a tiger, but I can't even find the edges to start it."
I calm her and say, "Hmmm, looks complicated. Why don't we just go back to watch the rest of the game, then I'll help you finish this up when it's done."

At half-time I snuck back out and put the Frosted Flakes back in the cereal box....problem solved!

 

[DWR]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
Ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for
Their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's
Yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the
Order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man
Reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
Change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
Again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries
And a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and
Pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is
Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato
And a salad," says the man. "Same," says the
Ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order
And says, "That will be $32.62." Once again
The man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
And places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
Longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to
Always come up with the exact change in your
Pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
Cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp.. When
I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
Two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had
To pay for anything, I would just put my hand
In my pocket and the right amount of money
Would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people
Would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
But you'll always be as rich as you want for as
Long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a
Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,"
Says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
Wish was for a tall chick with long
Legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

[DWR]

Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Understanding Engineers #9
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

 

[Coss]

We need a rating scale in this section instead of "Like"
Then we could grade/rate these

 

[ehwatt]

A farmer spends $15,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows. He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bull once per day. It will help with the urge to mate. After a few days, the bull starts to service a few cows, and within a week, every cow on the farm. The bull even breaks through the fence and breeds with all of the neighbor’s cows. He turns into a mating machine. A friend of the farmer asks exactly what the vet gave the bull to cause such a drastic change.
“I don’t know exactly what was in those pills,” the farmer says. “All I can tell you is they work and they taste like peppermint.”

An old bull was standing on top of a hill looking down on the herd of cows. All of a sudden a young bull comes running up saying "let's run down there a breed us a cow"! The old bull snorts with derision and says "naw, let's walk down and breed 'em all".

 

[Coss]

The Sheerest Lingerie

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," he says.

"This one is $350." "Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks.

He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

 

[Hotscoots]

Bill Clinton, Hilary Clinton, and Al Gore were in a plane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that, if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no-one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hilary. "Hilary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

 

[Coss]

A Grand Heist

Blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank.

The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Do you remember the plan?" "Yes" says the blonde.

"Well let's go over it" says the Brunette.

The day of the robbery the Brunette insists that they go over the plan again so they do.

"You have 5 Minutes" says the Brunette.

20 Minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it.

The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for is gun.

The blonde says "F*** this" and runs to the car.

They are driving away and the Brunette screams "YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"

 

[Coss]

A Heavenly Ride

Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he would receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.

Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife, and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.

The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St.. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.

A week later the three men were driving around and they all stopped at a red light.

The men in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying.

They asked him what could possibly be the matter – after all, he was driving a luxury car.

“I just passed my wife,” he told them. “She was on a skateboard”