Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Grandma Goes to Court
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"….And that's when I shot the son of a bitch!

 

[DWR]

 

[DWR]

 

[Coss]

Brand New Jag

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!

 

[Coss]

Dear Abby

A man wrote a letter, Dear Abby, I need some advice.

I think my wife is cheating on me.

She tells me that she is going out with the girls about three times a week and when I ask who the girls are she says they are girls from the office and that I wouldn't known them.

She often gets in after midnight and the other night I waited up and she came walking in and I heard a car drive off around the corner from our house. So, I decided to catch her.

I moved my Harley motorcycle to a place that I could see around the corner.

I was crouched down behind my Harley when I noticed an oil seal had failed and oil was leaking out.

My question Abby is, "Should I take my Harley to a dealer to have the oil seal repaired or should I attempt to make the repairs myself?

 

[BigWarpGuy]

Dear Abby

A man wrote a letter, Dear Abby, I need some advice.

I think my wife is cheating on me.

She tells me that she is going out with the girls about three times a week and when I ask who the girls are she says they are girls from the office and that I wouldn't known them.

She often gets in after midnight and the other night I waited up and she came walking in and I heard a car drive off around the corner from our house. So, I decided to catch her.

I moved my Harley motorcycle to a place that I could see around the corner.

I was crouched down behind my Harley when I noticed an oil seal had failed and oil was leaking out.

My question Abby is, "Should I take my Harley to a dealer to have the oil seal repaired or should I attempt to make the repairs myself?

I say take it to the dealer. No need to take chances with it. He might need it when she finds out what he was doing.

 

[Ty]

I was watching UFC this weekend and realized the only person who has knocked out more women than Rhonda Rousey is Bill Cosby!

 

[Kuda]

I was watching UFC this weekend and realized the only person who has knocked out more women than Rhonda Rousey is Bill Cosby!

That would be funny if it weren't true.

 

[Coss]

How to Clean a Cat

How to Clean a Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

 

[RUCRAYZE]