skygazer6033
Elio Addict
A guy picks up a girl at a bar and takes her to a hotel. After getting undressed she discovers that he is not very well endowed. "Who do you think you're going to satisfy with that"? She asks. "Me" he replies.
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
This story involves the police department in the rural town of Columbia, Alabama who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Chattahoochee River near the state highway-52 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Luverne. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama/Biden T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Alabama police do care.
The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Luverne. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama/Biden T-shirt.
The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
See there, Alabama police do care.
skygazer6033
Elio Addict
DWR --- Now that's funny!
A brunette and her blonde girlfriend are jogging together. The brunette says, "See that dog with one eye". The blonde covers her eye and says, "Where"?
A Funeral
A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.
After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"
"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."
"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.
Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing.
You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street.
In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"
A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.
After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"
"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."
"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.
Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing.
You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street.
In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"
champsman
Elio Addict
She's single and she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight! Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog??"
Being a senior citizen really sucks sometimes!
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight! Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
She said, "Great! Could you watch my dog??"
Being a senior citizen really sucks sometimes!
champsman
Elio Addict
Y ou will chuckle as you read this ..... Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!
GOD to ST.FRANCIS :Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
GOD to ST.FRANCIS :Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
ks6c
Elio Addict
When I die, I would like to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.....not screaming at the top of my lungs like the passengers in his car.
champsman
Elio Addict
On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in
Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by
my hospitable Indian host.
The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars
U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to
hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and
initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a
worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for
trying to overcharge visitors.
My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him
never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the
remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?"
"Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage
in the trunk."
Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by
my hospitable Indian host.
The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars
U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to
hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and
initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a
worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for
trying to overcharge visitors.
My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him
never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the
remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?"
"Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage
in the trunk."