Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

#1 What do a condom and a coffin have in common?

Both hold stiffs.

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#2 A man told the doctor, "My wife’s pregnant, but we haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t understand it."

The doctor said, "It’s what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy."

"What’s a grudge pregnancy?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well, somebody’s obviously had it in for you."

 

[hawg_ryder]

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote an email:
Dear MaMa,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving MaMa
Moral:
Never Bulla Shitta your MaMa



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[Coss]

Two kids decided to dress up as a cow for Halloween.
After hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled.

While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort you are making?"

The boy in the front says, "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bulls racing towards them.
He says, "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast... It’s a big bull."

After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?"

The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass." ......................

 

[Coss]

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to use the toilet.
The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel.

She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says, "I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel?"

The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel.
Bob takes a good look at the naked woman and then says his goodbye and leaves.
As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. "Who was that?" he asks.

"It was Bob," she says.

"Oh right, did he give you the $200 that he owes me?" ........................................................................................

 

[Coss]

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases,
and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman.

He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “Christ, I’m on the wrong bus!” .....................................................................

 

[Coss]

A young academic decided to do a paper on the sexual habits of housewives.
She knocks on the door of this young beautiful woman and tells her what she is doing and is invited in.

Her first question was how many times a weeks she has sex. As many as possible was the answer.

"And what happens to your asshole when you orgasm?"

"I really don’t know.
It only happens when the pool man is here and the asshole is away playing golf." .......................................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

mmmm good!

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[hawg_ryder]

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[Made in USA]

So, Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven to meet his maker, just like we all will one day.

He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God’s first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?" "Shucks, that one’s easy; that’d be Today and Tomorrow!"

The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer."

"How about the next one" says Saint Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one’s harder," says Forrest.

"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second...."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you’re going with it."

"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

I’ll give you credit for that one too."

"Let’s go on with the next and final question," says Saint Peter, "Can you tell me God’s first name?"

Forest says, "Well shore, I know God’s first name. Everybody probly knows It’s Howard."

"Howard?" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it’s ‘Howard’?"

Forest answers, "It’s in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"The Lord’s Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, Who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

 

[hawg_ryder]

What will they think of next!

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