Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.

After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...

"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says..."You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".

 

[ks6c]

A guy has always wanted to skydive, so he signs up for lessons and is told to jump out of the airplane, count to ten and pull the ripcord, if it doesn't open pull the reserve chute. So he goes up for his first jump as does as taught, he jumps out, counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing, he pulls his reserve chute, again nothing he's tugging at the chute and he looks down at the ground and sees a fellow floating up towards him and thinks this is odd but this is the first i've ever jumped out of an airplane, it might happen all the time, as the man gets closer he yells at him 'Hey do you know anything about parachutes?' And the other fellow hollers back 'No, do you know anything about Coleman stoves?'

If at first you don't succeed......don't take up skydiving!

 

[BigWarpGuy]

If at first you don't succeed......don't take up skydiving!

or don't start using Coleman stoves.

 

[Ty]

I was driving through Atlanta and came to a red light. While stopped, a provocatively dressed lady looked in the window and said "I'll do anything you want for $200." I said "Shoot. Jump in. You are going to paint my house!"

 

[RUCRAYZE]

If at first you don't succeed......don't take up skydiving!

or baseball

 

[Coss]

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

 

[Coss]

Dynamite!

A woman is sitting at a bar sees a man coming up to her and since she hasn’t had any action for a long time she decides to go home with him.

At his place, he begins to undress; first he takes off his shirt and shows his huge muscles.

He says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousands pounds of dynamite."

He then takes off his pants and has huge muscular legs.

He then says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite."

When he takes off his pants she screams, grabs her bag and runs towards the door.

Before she can get out he catches her and asks, "what’s wrong baby?"

she then says, "with two-thousand pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse I thought you were about to explode!"

 

[Coss]

Personal Fitness

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary, for my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation with a persona l trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She w as alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. “Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader”. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F***NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on< BR> a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

 

[RUCRAYZE]

don't miss the yucks as the clowns strut their stuff tonight.

 

[HHH]

A guy brings his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. Afterwards, he asks her if she enjoyed watching it. She said, "Yes, I liked watching all those tight butts. But after the coin toss, all they kept yelling was to get the quarter back. I mean, come on, it's only twenty-five cents!"