Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Inherited Intelligence

Andy asked his father: “who did I get my intelligence from”?

His father replies; “it must be from your mother 'cause I still have mine”

 

[champsman]

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

 

[Coss]

A guy with a speech impediment --- he stutters – gets a job selling books door-to-door.
On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o’clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.
The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the firs day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o’clock with all the receipts, no books.
This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, “This is truly amazing,” “In a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What’s your sales pitch?”
“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?

 

[ross]

an 85 year old womans doctor is retiring so she makes an appointment with a new doctor who asks her to bring in any medicine perscriptions she currently is taking and he discovers she is taking birth control pills. he asks her if she is aware of this and she replies that they help her sleep, he informs her that there is absoutly nothing in them that could possibly help her sleep, she puts her hand on his knee and tells him she grinds them up and puts them in her 16 year old granddaughters morning orange juice and I sleep very well my dear.

 

[AriLea]

What’s your sales pitch?”
“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?

Thanks guys!, my wife is pretty much house bound at this point, so a little entertainment is imperative. I read these things to her when ever I can. She's not much on bar-room humor, but there's plenty of spread here in terms of subject matter. You never know what you'll get. That's good.
She laughed her butt off on this one that coss posted above. Many of them have been that much fun for her. ( I think she'll like this one by ross too, I'll try it tonight on her )

There is nothing more beautiful than a happy person.

 

[Coss]

Thanks guys!, my wife is pretty much house bound at this point, so a little entertainment is imperative. I read these things to her when ever I can. She's not much on bar-room humor, but there's plenty of spread here in terms of subject matter. You never know what you'll get. That's good.
She laughed her butt off on this one that coss posted above. Many of them have been that much fun for her. ( I think she'll like this one by ross too, I'll try it tonight on her )

There is nothing more beautiful than a happy person.

Glad we can bring a smile.

The stutter one just brought back a memory for me when I was riding with the Cossacks (true story): We had this guy that rode the little bike; really nice guy named Chuck Cedar, about 5'9" and 325lbs with a heart of gold; he had a bad stutter.
We would make jokes about his answering machine; you'd call it and you'd hear:
"H-h-h- I-hi t-t-h-h- th-there- this is-is-is C-C-C-c-Ch- Chuck. P--p-pl-pleas-s-s-s please l-l-e-e-leave a-a-a-a- a me-meh-meh- message at-at-at- at the s-s-s-so-sou-sound-d-d-d sound of-of-of of t-t-t-the <BEEP> Damn it <click>

Even better when he told it.

 

[Coss]

Free Ride

An elderly man told his wife, Honey we have done everything in our life except ride in an airplane. Lets do it.

she said ok.

They went to the airport and after much bargaining with the owner of an open top plane

the pilot/owner said, I’ll take you and your wife for a ride. If neither one of you yell or scream during the ride; it's free, otherwise it’s $50.00 each.

The old man asked his wife, honeys are you sure you can ride in the plane without yelling or screaming.

She said I'm sure I can Joe.

So they agreed to take the ride.

The pilot got them up in the air and tried to get them to scream or yell, he was flying upside down and doing cartwheels up in the air.

When he landed he looked back at the old man and said, wow I can't believe it neither one of you screamed or yelled.

The old man said, it was hard not to scream but I almost did when my wife fell out of the plane.

 

[Coss]

This one is better:


A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[skygazer6033]

A little airline humor. A young southern belle boarded a flight in Atlanta traveling to Minneapolis. Finding her assigned seat she sat down next to a rather uppity couple and being a very friendly and outgoing young lady attempted to strike up a conversation. "Where y'all from"? She asked. "Well we're from somewhere where they don't end a sentence with a preposition" the uppity lady replied. The young southern belle thought about it for a moment then decided to rephrase her previous question. "Where y'all from bitch"?

 

[Lil4X]

An odd little man applied for a job as a toothbrush salesman. The boss was worried about him because he had a rather severe speech impediment, but the little guy seemed enthusiastic, so after training with a number of other salesmen, he gave him a box of toothbrushes and sent him out to work on the street.

About two hours later, the little fellow came back; "Kin a-ah ha-ve m-m-more too-t-br-r-rush-es?" He asks. Sure, says the boss, take two boxes, and good luck!

In a couple of hours, he's back; "Ah s-s-sold 'em a-a-all, k-k-kin ah g-g-git m-m-more?" This guy's incredible, thinks the boss - he's been at work only few hours and he's setting sales records. So he congratulates the man on his sales prowess, gives him a couple more boxes, but curious as to his sales technique, he follows him at a distance.

First he notices the man stops in a nearby convenience store and buys a box of crackers. Then on his way to his assigned street corner he stops at the local dog park and picks up a couple of baggies of dog poop from the trash. Then he disappears into an alleyway before appearing at his assigned corner, where he begins offering free samples of canapés to passers-by.

The first customer eagerly tries the cracker spread with an undetermined substance, spits it out and while retching terribly manages to sputter, "That tastes like sh**!" To which the little man replies . . .

"I-it i-is . . . y-you w-w-wanna b-buy a tooo-t b-brush?"