Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their forty-fifth wedding anniversary and their grown sons joined them for dinner.
The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal he dew them aside.

“You’re all grown men,” he said, “and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.”

“What?” gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?”

“Yes,” snapped the old man, “and cheap ones, too!”

 

[Coss]

A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background,
and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast.

Very apologetic, he says, "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me."

The woman says, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!" ..............................................

 

[Coss]

What do you get when cross a donkey with an onion?
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An ass that brings tears to your eyes! ...............................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

gittin' warm down here in Texas folks...

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[Coss]

A man is standing in front of the judge, asking for a divorce. The judge says to him, “All right, sir, please explain to me why you want a divorce.”

“Because,” says the man, “I live in a two-story house.”

“You live in a two-story house?” says the judge. “What kind of a reason is that for a divorce?”

“Well," says the man, “one story is, ‘I’ve got a headache’ and the other story is, ‘It’s that time on the month.’”

 

[hawg_ryder]

nuff said!

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[hawg_ryder]

Subject: I think, I'm going to lose my driver's license

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "So, you're drunk."
Me: "But I didn't drink anything."
Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?
Me: "A motorcycle."
Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer: "A prostitute of course."
Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend... ....



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[Coss]

A pilot is having dinner with a brunette and when they finish, they head to a hotel. He calls room service and asks for a bottle of red wine.
When it arrives, he opens the bottle and puts some of the wine on the brunette’s lips and then starts kissing her.
She asks what he’s doing and he replies, “When I have read meat, I must have red wine.”

“Ooohh,” she says. A little later he calls room service again and orders some white wine.
It arrives in a few moments and he begins to splash it on the girl's breasts and then starts kissing them.
She asks what the white wine is for and he replies, “When I have white meat, I must have white wine.”

“Ooohh, she says. Eventually, he works his way down, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and a match, sprinkles it on her muff, and lights it on fire.
“Aahhh! Why the hell did you do that?" she yells.

“When I go down, I want to go down in flames!” He replies. ..........................................

 

[Coss]

How many animals can you fit in a pair of men's pants?

One cock, two bulls, and as many hares as you like. ...................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

BRAZORIA COUNTY TEXAS VISITOR'S ALERT!!!
FYI:
So if you plan on vacationing at our rivers, lakes or on our prairies this summer, I think you should know that red ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to a wetter than usual spring.
Mountain lions have eaten all domesticated animals and some smaller people.
The poison oak has overtaken all other vegetation.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town.
We have Bigfoots INVADING OUR PARKS.
Porcupines "stabbing" small children should they dare to enter the forest.
Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs.
Murder hornets!?! We’ve got LOADS of murder hornets.
And I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners have released them into the streets of our towns.
Head lice now fly... right beside the bats.
So stay where you are, in your own province, state or county where it's safe!
Seriously, PLEASE DO NOT COME HERE...

and we also have NO TOILET PAPER!!
Copy and paste

Almost forgot... We got these too!

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