Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

"Damn, this thing must be an hour fast then." ………………………..................................................................

 

[Coss]

Three guys are at the water cooler talking about their dates the previous night. Paul insists,
“My date must be a nurse, because she said, ‘Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit.'"

Neil concludes that his girl must be a schoolteacher, because she said, “Do it over and over until you get it right.”

Tom figures that his date must be a flight attendant,
because she said, “Put this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally.” …….

 

[Coss]

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly…

… changed regularly and for the same reason too!

 

[hawg_ryder]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

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[DikiJ]

View attachment 24193



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Yea, make America grate again. Boo.

 

[Coss]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.

Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma but I'm glad I came." ……………..........................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

this is so "woke"

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[hawg_ryder]

And you were worried about Murder Hornets!

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[Coss]

36 seconds? What is he running? His 2 feet <hahhahahahahahaha>