Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Watashiwah]

Long complicated Buddy Hackett joke I heard decades ago:

There’s a married couple with a single male friend out sailing, They capsize way out-to-sea and wash up on a deserted tropical island. There’s enough food to live on and natural material to build shelters, one for the couple and one for the single guy. As time goes on the single guy gets a few moments alone occasionally with his buddy’s wife and laments on his lack of ‘sexual companionship’ the pragmatic wife understands and is generally agreeable but says that her husband would never go along with that idea and, regardless, there is no time or way to ‘get together’ as when the husband takes his turn in the ‘look out tree’ over the island, he can see everything, and of course when it’s the single guy’s turn up there, the woman is with her husband. The situation is hopelessly frustrating for the single guy.

Months pass and one time when the single guys is up in the perch, he gets a revelation. He yells down to the married couple on the beach, who are just idly sitting sitting ‘ hey you two! Get a room, don’t do that in front of me you know how horny I am!!!’ The couple don’t understand what the single guy is even talking about.

The next ‘change of shift,’ where the married guy is up in the tree looking down at his wife and the single guy, thinks to himself ‘ jeez, it really does look that way from up here.’

 

[Watashiwah]

Another Buddy Hackett classic:


Two guys are golfing and playing pretty quick and see a couple of women teeing up on the next hole, one guy says ‘I’ll go over and ask them if we can ‘play through’ since we’re in a rush and see if it’s ok.’ In a few minutes he returns to his buddy and says ‘I can’t ask them, one is my wife and the other is my girlfriend!’ His buddy says, ‘ok, I’ll go and ask them,I’ll be right back.’ In a few moments he returns and says, ‘Small world.’

 

[Coss]

Alison Jane wanted a parrot for a long time. Finally she got the nerve to go get one.
She walked into the down town pet store and she found the one parrot she wanted.

She asked the clerk why the bird had strings on its feet.
The store owner replied, "Well, this bird used to be in a circus, so when you pull the string on the left leg it says, 'hello there'.
And when you pull the string on the right leg, it says, 'bye'.

Allison Jane then asked what happens when you pull both at the same time?

"Wakk, I’ll fall off my perch you idiot!" replied the parrot.

 

[hawg_ryder]

What more can I say...

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he Snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all Night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's Man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all Night."

With age comes wisdom...


_hr

 

[Coss]

Woman to her husband: "Bye darling, I’m going to take the car and go shopping." (Few minutes later)
"The engine is not starting anymore, will you come and look at it?"

Husband: "Have you checked the fuel?"

Woman: "No, but there's water in the fuel injectors."

Husband: "You don't know shit about mechanical stuff, so how do you assume this to be true?"

Woman: "Because the car is in the pool."

 

[Coss]

The luxurious Reno hotel was engulfed in flames as the firemen battled the blaze.
As the firemen attempted to rescue the guests, a man clad only in a towel came running from the hotel.
“Have you seen a beautiful redhead running around naked?” he asked breathlessly.

“No, I haven’t,” a fireman replied.

“Well, if you do, you can have her,” the man said. “She’s already paid for.”

 

[Mel]

From my daily diary:

Day 19 of the quarantine:

My wife called out from the other room and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I said, "No."

She responded, "How about now?"

 

[Coss]

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for a couple of hours, but the male duck forgot contraception.

He calls down to room service. “Got it,” says the front desk clerk. , “Wnd would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. "I’d suffocate.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

Two ducks are having an affair. They rent a hotel room for a couple of hours, but the male duck forgot contraception.

He calls down to room service. “Got it,” says the front desk clerk. , “Wnd would you like these on your bill?”

“Of course not,” the duck says. "I’d suffocate.”

rimshot!