Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed, with alternating current of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED.
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.
BUT I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

 

[Coss]

A woman walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Sir, do you have cotton balls?"

Pharmacist replies, "Lady, do I look like a teddy bear to you?"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Mel]

It was a very quiet Wednesday morning in September, 2053 when Jeremy got up from his bed with a need to go to the bathroom. To Jeremy this wasn't just any ordinary day! This was the day he would open the last package of toilet paper his grandparents bought in the year 2020.

 

[Coss]

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy. One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting.
The Indian went out and got a bear. The caveman and the cowboy said, "How did you get that?"

He said, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get bear."

So the next day the cowboy went out and got a deer. The caveman said, ”How did you get that?"

He said, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get deer."

So when the caveman got back from his hunt all bloody, and disfigured, the Indian and cowboy asked, ”How did that happen?"
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The caveman replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train!"

 

[Mel]

A Texas University Alumni, a Baylor University Alumni, and a Texas A&M Alumni decided to go hunting. The guy from UTA showed up with a jug of water. His reasoning...If we get thirsty, we can sit down and have a drink. The guy from Baylor showed up with a bag of sandwiches. His reasoning...If we get hungry, we can sit down and eat a bite. The Aggie showed up with a car door. His reasoning...If we get hot, we can roll the window down!

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed woman perched on a barstool.
He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place,
my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.”

“No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

My kids are like inmates at a jail...

They eat for free, they claim they are innocent, and they don’t like the warden