Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Shirley and Sophie are elderly widows. One day they see a new, nice looking guy come into the indoor swimming pool of the building they live in.

Sophie says, "Shirley, you know I'm shy. Can you go over to the other side of the pool and try to get to know about that guy."

Shirley goes over to the other side and asks the guy, "Are you single?"

"Yes, but I been in prison."

"Why?"

"I strangled my third wife."

"What about your second wife?"

"I got in a fight with her and she fell out the window."

"And your first wife?"

"I shot her."

Then Shirley calls to the other side to Sophie and says, "Yoo hoo, he's single!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

A Jewish, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.
The Jewish gentleman, bragging about his virility said, "I have four sons, one more and I'll have a basketball team!"

The Catholic replied, "That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team!"

The Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!"

 

[Coss]

In the week before his marriage, David sowed the last of his wild oats with all the girls he’d ever dated.
At the end of that time his penis was literally twisted and broken.
David begged his doctor to help him, but the best the physician could do was create a makeshift splint, taping the worn member between four thin slats.

On his wedding night David crawled into bed with his new bride, wondering what he’d tell her about his ravaged organ.

The woman spread her legs. “Look, honey,” she said. “Never been touched by a man.”
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David undid his pajama pants. “Look, honey,” he said, “still in its original crate!”

 

[Coss]

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the first guy and performed her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek. It stuck.

Then she proceeded to the second guy. She did her same dance and the guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek. It stuck.

She then went to the third guy and performed her dance. The third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash.
So he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.

 

[Coss]

A guy walks into a bar with a pet monkey. The monkey begins running around and jumps onto a pool table and swallows one of the pool balls whole.
The bartender/owner sees this just as it is happening. Furious he makes the man and his monkey leave.

A few weeks later, the same man and his monkey walk into the same bar.
The bartender, not paying attention as he is talking with one of his regulars, sees the monkey just as it jumps onto the bar, takes a peanut out of the bowl, inserts it into its behind, pulls it back out, then eats it.

The bartender, angry yet curious, again tells the man to leave.
As the man is leaving, the bartender asks the man, "Hey buddy, why did your monkey do that with the peanut?"

The man replied, "Well, ever since he passed that pool ball, he measures everything before he eats it."

 

[DikiJ]

Two colleagues opened an office in a small town and put a sign reading 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Stein, Psychiatry and G2Proctology'.

The town council was not pleased with the sign so the doctors changed it to read 'Minds and Behinds'.
This was not acceptable either, so they tried again with 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids'. Not accepted.

After a third try of 'Catatonics and High Colonic' was not accepted and they were near wits end,
the doctors made one final proposal, which to their eternal relief, the council accepted... 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Stein, Odds and Ends'.

'Nuts and Butts'

 

[Coss]

'Nuts and Butts'

<eeehhhhhhhh!> Not accepted. Try again

 

[hawg_ryder]

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