Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A man is walking and sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH AND WIN $200!"

The man thought, what the hell. He goes up to the man at the booth and asks, "How much?"

The man at the booth replies, "Fifty dollars, please." He gives the $50. The man went around the wall to the donkey, whispered something into it's ear.
The donkey laughed hard and laughed loud. The man had got his $200 and was on his way.

The next month he was walking the same rout again, and he sees a sign that says: "MAKE MY DONKEY CRY AND WIN $200."

So he walks up to the booth and again, pays the $50. He goes around the wall to the donkey and whispers something in its ear.
When he comes around the donkey is balling his eyes out crying. Then the man at the booth says, " How did you make him laugh and cry?"

"Well, when I made him laugh I said my penis was bigger than his. Then to make him cry, I showed him."

 

[Coss]

Sounds like me today, I think I'm sick......

I'm sitting here on this damn pot…

The Taco Salad's not so hot...

Tomatoes, Beef, Sour Cream and Beans...

Now I'm a walking shit machine!

 

[Coss]

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer," the old man said. "We are are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her." He hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck, they're not going to divorce!" she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they are coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

T-Day is just around the corner!

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

The young journalist was interviewing a woman who had just reached her hundredth birthday.
“To what do you attribute your remarkable good health?” he asked.

“Well,” she said, thoughtfully, I’ve always eaten moderately, worked hard, I don’t smoke or drink, and I keep good hours.”

“Have you ever been bedridden?” the reporter asked.

“Well, sure,” said the elderly lady, “but don’t put that in your paper.”

 

[hawg_ryder]

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's café discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon," arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies, "Well... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says, "Scots were the ones who built the first time pieces and calendars."
The Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women."


_hr

 

[Coss]

Coming out from the chiropractor’s treatment room, a young man said out loud in the crowded waiting room, “I feel like a new man!”

“I do too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”...….

 

[Coss]

Whats the differnce between your wife and your mistress?

About 45lbs.

Whats the difference between your husband and your lover?

About 45 minutes!