Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[hawg_ryder]

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[JK]

Darlene was telling her friend Deliah about a strange man who had gotten on the bus with her at the same stop. "It was terrible." Darlene huffed. "That asshole grabbed me and kissed me and felt me up until he had to get off the bus."
"Didn't you say something to him?" asked Deliah.
"Oh, no!" exclaimed her friend. "My mama told me never to talk to strangers!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced
Constables.
"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.
"Tell me!? Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.
The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.?
Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.
Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"
The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you
have ever seen clinging to her.? Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"
The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."


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[hawg_ryder]

For all you DIY'ers...

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[Coss]

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist. “How may I help you?" asks the shrink.

“Doc, every night I have the same dream. I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.”

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.

“I push them away,” the man says.

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.

“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!”

 

[Coss]

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here."

The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here."

Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again,

I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

 

[Coss]

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

 

[Coss]

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied, “That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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