Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A man was having a drink in a bar. Beside him was his small yellow dog. Soon another man with a dog came in.
This man had a large pit bull and taunted the first man to have the dogs scrap outside for $50.

Finally the man with the small yellow dog agreed.
They went outside and the small dog completely pulverized the pit bull.
After paying the $50 the owner of the pit bull asked what kind of dog the yellow dog was.

The winner said, "Before I cut off his tail and painted him yellow, he was an alligator."

 

[Mel]

What's the meanest animal in the world? First Guy, "It's a Panther!" Second Guy, "Nope, It's an Alligator!"
Third Guy, "Your both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a Panth-agator! That's an animal with a Panther's head on one end and an Alligator's head on the other end." "Wait a minute", says the first Guy. "If it has a head on both ends, how does it shit?"
"It doesn't. That's what make it so mean!"

 

[Coss]

To bad you can't modify the "Like" to "Likes Kinda" or "Ehhhhh"

 

[Coss]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales, and stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, it's throat was very small.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

 

[hawg_ryder]

Oh, I'm so gonna get me one of these!

_hr

 

[Coss]

I'll take one also, and I'm sure there are more. Hmmm a new money making idea.

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

A farmer and his pet rooster went everywhere together.
One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window, the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater."

The man looked sad and said, "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go."

"Oh, I understand. But if that is the case, you should not come in either."

The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!”
So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants.
He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies.
About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out.

The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out!"

Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty."

"Well, normally I would agree with you, but this one is eating my popcorn!"

 

[Coss]

A rural Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building.
They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
-
-
-
-
-
The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."

 

[Coss]

A man staggers into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Doctor asks, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was playing golf with my wife when we sliced our golf balls into a field of cows.
I found one stuck in a cow’s fanny.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
I yell to my wife, 'this looks like yours.' I don't remember much after that."