A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity...
That is why he dates someone half his age.
That is why he dates someone half his age.
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Coming out from the chiropractor’s treatment room, a young man said out loud in the crowded waiting room, “I feel like a new man!”
“I do too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”
“I do too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”
A little old lady, shaking violently as she walks in to the pharmacy, asks the salesperson, "Do you sell vibrators?"
Surprised by the request, the sales person says, "Yes, we do."
The little old lady says, "Well, how do you turn the damn things off?!?!"
Surprised by the request, the sales person says, "Yes, we do."
The little old lady says, "Well, how do you turn the damn things off?!?!"
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase:
Are You Shittin Me"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them reached the other shore.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said,
Are You Shittin Me?
And there you finally have the answer.
Remember... I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em on!
_hr
Are You Shittin Me"
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them reached the other shore.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?'
Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'
And the Madam said,
Are You Shittin Me?
And there you finally have the answer.
Remember... I don't write 'em, I just pass 'em on!
_hr
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Old Ron...
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped
by the police around 2 a.m., for a taillight
violation, and was asked where he was going
at that time of night.
Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture
about alcohol abuse and the effects it has
on the human body, as well as smoking and
staying out late.”
The officer asked, “Really? Who is giving
that lecture at this time of night?” Ron replied,
“That would be my wife."
_hr
Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped
by the police around 2 a.m., for a taillight
violation, and was asked where he was going
at that time of night.
Ron replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture
about alcohol abuse and the effects it has
on the human body, as well as smoking and
staying out late.”
The officer asked, “Really? Who is giving
that lecture at this time of night?” Ron replied,
“That would be my wife."
_hr
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
How many of these are you guilty of?
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore. under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. If so, where can it be found?
A: It's true. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly, wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem; retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: O n their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
_hr
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore. under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. If so, where can it be found?
A: It's true. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly, wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem; retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: O n their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
_hr
Mel
Elio Addict
Know where the tradition of putting an Angel on top of the Christmas tree came from?
Well, one Christmas Eve Santa was having a horrible day. The reindeer wouldn't pull together, the elves were fighting and not getting the toys done on time. Mrs. Clause was refusing to "play". Santa was at the end of his rope. Then the doorbell rang. Santa jumped up shouting, "Who the hell could that be?" When he opened the door, there stood an angel. She looked up and said, "Hi Santa, Here's the Christmas Tree. Where shall I put it?"
Well, one Christmas Eve Santa was having a horrible day. The reindeer wouldn't pull together, the elves were fighting and not getting the toys done on time. Mrs. Clause was refusing to "play". Santa was at the end of his rope. Then the doorbell rang. Santa jumped up shouting, "Who the hell could that be?" When he opened the door, there stood an angel. She looked up and said, "Hi Santa, Here's the Christmas Tree. Where shall I put it?"
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Just a lil' encouragement!
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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A guy asks his friend, "If you knew that they were about to drop an atomic bomb, what’s the first thing you would do?"
"I would screw the first thing that moved! What would you do?"
The first guy says, "I would stand very still for at least half an hour."
"I would screw the first thing that moved! What would you do?"
The first guy says, "I would stand very still for at least half an hour."