Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Sara was having breakfast with her mother one morning and suddenly Sara asked, "Mommy, does daddy eat light bulbs?"

Her mother said, "Why heavens, no Sara! Why do you ask a question like that?"

Sara replied, "Well, last night I heard daddy say, 'If you turn the lights off, I'll eat it.'”

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

One day, a stunningly attractive woman walks into a doctor's office.
As soon as the doctor lays his eyes on her, his professionalism goes right out the window.
He asks her to take off her pants.
He asks her to sit on the table and when she does, he starts firmly rubbing her thighs.
He asks her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

She replies, "Checking for abnormalities."

Then, he tells her to take off her shirt and bra, and she does as she is told and he starts rubbing her breasts.
Again he asks, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Checking for cancer," she replies.

Then he instructs her to take her panties off, and after she does, he lays her back, pulls off his pants and underwear, jumps up on top of her and begins to have sex with her.
Once again, "Do you know what I am doing?"
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Then, the woman answers, "Checking for herpes, that's what I am here for."

 

[Coss]

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After one more champagne toast for happiness, the groom retired to the bedroom.

But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars. “Aren’t you coming to bed?” the groom asked.

“No,” the bride announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

 

[Coss]

In Sunday school little Johnny learned about how God took a rib from Adam to make Eve.

The next day, Johnny's mother saw him in his bed clutching his side and moaning.

When his mother asked him what was wrong, he simply replied, "Mom, I think I'm having a wife."

 

[Coss]

An elderly couple is talking to their friends after going on a date together.

The man says to his friend, "If I’d have known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

The woman says to her friend, "If I'd known he wanted sex, I'd have taken my tights off."

 

[champsman]

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to punch him."

 

[champsman]

I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair.

At the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are premature detonations, which may damage the valves."

As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."

 

[champsman]

Jimmy's mother called out to him at seven in the morning, "Jimmy,
get up! It's time for school."

There was no answer. She called again, this time more loudly, "Jimmy
get up! It's time for school."

Once more there was no answer. Exasperated, she went to his room and
shook him saying, "Jimmy, it's time to get ready for school."

He answered, "Mother, I'm not going to school. There are fifteen
hundred kids at that school and every one of them hates me. I'm not
going to school."

"Get to school!" she replied sharply.

"But, Mother, all the teachers hate me, too. I saw three of them
talking the other day and one of them was pointing his finger at me.
I know they all hate me, so I'm not going to school," Jimmy answered.

"Get to school NOW!" his mother demanded again.

"But, Mother, I don't understand. Why would you want to put me through
all of that torture and suffering?" he protested.

"Jimmy, for two good reasons," she fired back. "First, you're forty-two
years old. Second, you're the principal."

 

[champsman]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.