Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

A small boy was pushing a gasoline-powered lawnmower down the street with a "For Sale" sign on it.

A man stopped him asked if the mower would run. The boy told him it would, so the man bought it.

A while later, the boy was walking past the man's house and saw him pulling repeatedly on the starting rope with no success.

The man noticed the boy and said, "I thought you told me this mower would run!"

The boy replied, "Well you have to use some cuss words to make it start."

The Man responded, "Son, I'm a preacher; I don't know any cuss words!"

"You keep pulling on that starter rope and some'll come to you!"

 

[champsman]

Jonnie had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged

and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.



"Fine" said the mother. "Did you ask the Lord to help you not misbehave?"



"No,I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave,"said Johnny. "I asked HIM to help

you put up with me."

 

[champsman]

I'm sellin' all my hunting rifles, bow, hiking gear, and fishing tackle...
ain't gonna go out there no more, ever again!!!



Main Reason to NOT go into the woods...



BIG FOOT HAS A SISTER AND SHE IS LOOKING FOR YOU!

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy!"

 

[champsman]

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled

into our driveway.



Karen said, "I love my new garage-door opener."



"I love mine too," my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal

for me to come out and open the garage.

 

[champsman]

It seemed that all our appliances had broken in the same week
and repairs were straining our budget. So when I picked up the
kids from school and our Jeep started making rattling sounds,
I decided that rather than burden my husband, I'd deal with it.

I hadn't reckoned on my little tattletales, however. They rushed
into the house with the news: "Daddy, the Jeep was breaking down,
but Mom made the noise stop!"

Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?"

"I turned up the volume on the radio," I confessed.

 

[champsman]

The story is told of a woman who bought a parrot to keep her
company, but she returned it the next day. "This bird doesn't
talk," she told the owner.
"Does he have a mirror in his cage?" he asked. "Parrots love
mirrors. They see their reflection and start a conversation."
The woman bought a mirror and left.
The next day she returned; the bird still wasn't talking.
"How about a ladder? Parrots love ladders. A happy parrot is
a talkative parrot." The woman bought a ladder and left.
But the next day, she was back. "Does your parrot have a swing?
No? Well, that's the problem. Once he starts swinging, he'll
talk up a storm." The woman reluctantly bought a swing and left.
When she walked into the store the next day, her countenance
had changed. "The parrot died," she said. The pet store owner
was shocked.
"I'm so sorry. Tell me, did he ever say anything?" he asked.
"Yes, right before he died," the woman replied. "In a weak
voice, he asked me, 'Don't they sell any food at that pet
store?' "

 

[Mel]

A VERY rich lady saw a parrot that she wanted to buy. The store owner refused to sell to her because of the parrot's past owner.
The lady told him that he would either sell to her or she would buy the store and fire him. He reluctantly sold her the parrot.
She got home with her new purchase, set up the cage and removed the cover. The parrot looked all around and said, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, brand new whore." She woman was stupefied. She called her neighbor over. When the neighbor enter the room, the parrot said, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, two new whores." The lady exclaimed, "My husband is due home any minute. What shall I do?" About that time her husband came through the door. The parrot looked around and said, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, two new whores. Same old customer. Hello Joe!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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