hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
there's some truth in this one...
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Mel
Elio Addict
For their 50th anniversary the man & woman went to the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon.
Getting ready for bed the wife said, "This is just like it was 50 years ago, isn't it?" The husband said, "Well almost. The only difference is that 50 years ago it was You sitting on the edge of the bed crying because it's too big."
Getting ready for bed the wife said, "This is just like it was 50 years ago, isn't it?" The husband said, "Well almost. The only difference is that 50 years ago it was You sitting on the edge of the bed crying because it's too big."
A guy goes to his first baseball game. He caught on quickly.
Every time the hitter would swing and get a hit, every one would start yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
Then one runner started walking to 1st, and the guy stands up and yells, "Run you lazy bastard! Run!"
The kid sitting next to him says he can’t run.
The guys asks, "Why not?"
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The kid then explains that the batter had 4 balls.
Then the guy stands up and yells, "Walk proudly man!"
Every time the hitter would swing and get a hit, every one would start yelling, "RUN! RUN!"
Then one runner started walking to 1st, and the guy stands up and yells, "Run you lazy bastard! Run!"
The kid sitting next to him says he can’t run.
The guys asks, "Why not?"
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The kid then explains that the batter had 4 balls.
Then the guy stands up and yells, "Walk proudly man!"
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?" And she said, "Take a sweater..."
One remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?" And she said, "Take a sweater..."
champsman
Elio Addict
(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(d) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
(d) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
champsman
Elio Addict
After retiring from the army, a former Artillery Sergeant took a job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fitted snugly under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit jacket
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-ass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
soldier, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
A strong breeze through the window made his tie flap.
He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead Silence.
The rest of the year went smoothly.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fitted snugly under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit jacket
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-ass punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former
soldier, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
A strong breeze through the window made his tie flap.
He picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead Silence.
The rest of the year went smoothly.
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
My Son the Veterinarian:
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing
$1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected
And saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week
in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money
And I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can
afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the
the pastor said. "Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada..... He has two cat houses, one in
Las Vegas and one in Reno '
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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Two nuns go into a liquor store and ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.
The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."
The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation."
The clerk seems ok with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor.
Several hours later he closes the store and after walking a couple of blocks on his way home, he sees the two nuns laying in the gutter drunken than a skunk.
He exclaims, "I thought you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation?"
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The nuns replied, "It is, because when she sees us piss drunk, she is going to shit!"
The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."
The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation."
The clerk seems ok with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor.
Several hours later he closes the store and after walking a couple of blocks on his way home, he sees the two nuns laying in the gutter drunken than a skunk.
He exclaims, "I thought you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation?"
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The nuns replied, "It is, because when she sees us piss drunk, she is going to shit!"
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Picked up a hitch-hiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer?
Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
He baled at the next stop light.
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Told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.
He baled at the next stop light.
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