That Chile bake off was too funny!! Great joke Champsman. Had me rollin.
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Galveston, Texas reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Texas City, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person proud to be from the Texas doesn't it.
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Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Galveston, Texas reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Texas City, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".
Just makes a person proud to be from the Texas doesn't it.
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
This is a double ditto for me! I live right on the Gulf Coast and we normally get a snowfall that sticks about every decade or so. (That way each generation of children know what snow is!)
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH
JAN 10 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first snow of the season and
the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and
loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city
snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shoveled it again.
Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both
cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get
to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of
damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit
last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More f*ckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,
which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes and eyebrows. 4x4 slid on the ice on the way to the
emergency-room and was totaled.
Jan 16 Goddamn mother f*ckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put
all the clothes on we own just to get to the f*ckin' mailbox. If I ever
catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits
to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part
of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan 17 Six goddam more f*ckin' inches of f*ckin' snow and f*ckin'
sleet, f*ckin' ice and goddam knows what other kind of white f*ckin'
shit fell last night. I wounded the f*ckin' snowplow asshole with an ice
axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going
snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More
snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 f*ckin' degrees. I'm moving back to
North Carolina!
_hr
A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH
JAN 10 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first snow of the season and
the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the
landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and
loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city
snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with
compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved
back and shoveled it again.
Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has
dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both
cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but
nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get
to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of
damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white shit
last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in
store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More f*ckin' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.
Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater,
which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the
flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyelashes and eyebrows. 4x4 slid on the ice on the way to the
emergency-room and was totaled.
Jan 16 Goddamn mother f*ckin' white shit keeps coming down. Have to put
all the clothes on we own just to get to the f*ckin' mailbox. If I ever
catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his
chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits
to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part
of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan 17 Six goddam more f*ckin' inches of f*ckin' snow and f*ckin'
sleet, f*ckin' ice and goddam knows what other kind of white f*ckin'
shit fell last night. I wounded the f*ckin' snowplow asshole with an ice
axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going
snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More
snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 f*ckin' degrees. I'm moving back to
North Carolina!
_hr
Wow, snow, we get it up here once every 10 years or so, and it's normally gone in 2 or 3 days, if it lasted any longer the people up here would think the world was coming to an end. Snow belongs up in the mountains, not down here on the ground, or in and around the city. we have very few snow plows but we do get ice on the roads, so we have sand spreaders for that. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr snow, yuk. I have a snow shovel, never used it but we have one.
I grew up in an area that would get snow in the winter that would last for months, and don't miss it at all.
I grew up in an area that would get snow in the winter that would last for months, and don't miss it at all.
champsman
Elio Addict
Very few are aware that there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or to people with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between the two?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal, Volume 3; page 295, Article (iii):
GUTS - Arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "
BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcomes - both are fatal.
Do they, however, know the difference between the two?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal, Volume 3; page 295, Article (iii):
GUTS - Arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere? "
BALLS - Coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcomes - both are fatal.
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
I hear Ya Coss! At 67 the cold is not my friend... Last two bikes I've had heated hand grips added (well worth the money) just for when I have to ride on a chilly day... My rule of thumb is to stay South of Conroe Texas in the wintertime!
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Your only 2 years older then me, but I've been pretty rough on my body getting to this point, broke my neck, and my lower back, plus have nerve damage in both feet and from the knees down to my feet, also broke other parts of me and they let me know when the weather is about to change. But still keep on going, don't know how to quit (hehe) but it's all worth it. Just have to keep on, keeping on.I hear Ya Coss! At 67 the cold is not my friend... Last two bikes I've had heated hand grips added (well worth the money) just for when I have to ride on a chilly day... My rule of thumb is to stay South of Conroe Texas in the wintertime!
Back to the jokes:
Three women are sitting around talking about their husbands’ performances as loves.
The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.
He likes to play rough and spank me sometimes. I kind of like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."
Three women are sitting around talking about their husbands’ performances as loves.
The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic.
He likes to play rough and spank me sometimes. I kind of like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."
Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, “Well, at least they’re together at last.”
The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?”
“None,” said the friend. “I meant, her legs.”
The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?”
“None,” said the friend. “I meant, her legs.”