Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

 

[champsman]

Some of these fit so well they should be in a dictionary!
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!
In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
In old age, the years are short and days long.

 

[Coss]

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.



The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well... last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea."

 

[champsman]

 

[champsman]

Civilization in 2017- this is priceless!!! WELCOME to 2017
� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars - Keyless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires -Tubeless
� Dress - Sleeveless
� Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children - Mannerless

We are-SPEECHLESS,
Government-is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians-are WORTHLESS!
I'm scared - Shitless!

 

[Coss]

At a lingerie store, a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.
"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350."

"Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."

"I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks,
"This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not".
"I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.
"So, how do you like it?" she asks.


He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

 

[Coss]

Two private detectives were doing some research on a scandalous divorce case in LA.
At the husband’s request they staked out the wife’s bedroom, and sure enough, she had another man inside.

The detectives remarked to one another that they were going at it as if sex was going out of style.
After watching rather furtively for quite a few minutes, one detective finally said,
“As long as we’re here on the case, may be we should go in after him?”
-
-
-
To this the other replied, “Great idea! Who first?”

 

[Coss]

The definitive answer to the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and here is the reason for that conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

A thief entered a house mid afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “Please, please… take anything you want but please untie the rope’s and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife !!”
Man: “No, she’s my neighbors wife…mine will be home any minute.”

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