Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

There was an elderly couple considering living together, rather than getting married.
The woman was concerned about sharing the same bed.

She asked her friend, "Well, what about sex?"

The man replied, "Infrequently."

The woman thought for a moment, then asked, "Is that one word or two?"...……………………...

 

[Coss]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

 

[Ty]

What if Soy Milk was just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

 

[Coss]

A man is pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs.

The police officer goes over and says to the man, “My dog says you have weed in the car.”

The man responds, “Well, I don’t know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!”

 

[Coss]

A guy goes to this doctor and says, “Doc I have a problem.”

“What kind of a problem?” the doctor asked.

“Well, before I go to work my wife jumps me and we have sex three times.
When I get to the office, my secretary and I have sex, and then at lunch we have sex and a ‘quickie’ at the end of work.
Then when I get home, my wife jumps me again before dinner, after dinner, before we go to bed, and before we go to sleep.
All this happens every day.”

“So,” asks the doctor, “what’s the problem?"

“When I jerk off, I get dizzy.”

 

[Coss]

A man is having an affair with his secretary.
The passions overwhelm them one day shortly before he's due home to have dinner with his wife.
He quickly starts getting dress and tells his lover the secretary to go out in the yard with his shoes and rub them all over the lawn.

When gets home he finds an angry wife who says, "Why are you late for dinner?"

He replies, "Well honey I am going to be perfectly honest with you, I’m having an affair with my secretary!"

She replies, "Why you lying no good son of a buck, you've been out golfing again, look at your shoes!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had this urge to stick his p.nis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my p.nis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”


_hr

 

[Coss]

What do a condom and a coffin have in common?

Both hold stiffs.

 

[Coss]

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful so she left a note for the milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.
He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify her request.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I am going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "You want it pasteurized?"

The blonde replied, "No, just up to my nipples."

 

[W. WIllie]

NASCAR driver joke I heard today:
Why didn't Noah go fishing from the ark?

He only had two worms.