Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

 

[Coss]

A man goes to see the doctor to ask for three Viagra pills.
The doctor says, "These are very powerful pills so I need to know why you need three?"

"Well, Doc, my girlfriend is coming over Friday.
My ex-wife on Saturday, and my new-wife is coming home on Sunday.
I need these pills so I can satisfy them all."

"Well," the doctor said, "okay, but one on one condition.
That you come in on Monday so I can check your vitals to make sure you are ok."
The man agrees. So Monday arrives and the man goes to see the doctor, with both arms are in a sling.

"Oh my! What happened?" the doctor asks.
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The man replies, "Nobody showed up, I was alone all weekend."

 

[hawg_ryder]

Uh Oh... Looks like I'm gonna be cancelling that Malaysian dream vacation adventure!

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[Coss]

Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.

Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and the girls don't!

 

[Coss]

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife.

“What’s the problem?”

“I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the magnate.

“I don’t know if that’ll fly,” replied the lawyer. “I mean, your wife isn’t a piece of property, you do not own her.”

“Damn right,” the tycoon began, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!”

 

[hawg_ryder]

I'm Shocked!

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[Johnny Cyclone]

I'm Shocked!

View attachment 22928

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She also wrote the book " How to Play Tennis Without Balls."

 

[Coss]

On the battlefield an Officer orders a Soldier to try and save a military warehouse that’s been set on fire by the enemy.
To get to a hose the soldier dodges bullets, wipes out a machine gun nest and blows up an enemy tank.

He then climbs all over the burning building and extinguish every flame he can find.
On the way back he kills three men barehanded, shoots down an enemy helicopter and destroys and enemy base.
The Officer salutes him. “That was the most heroic thing I ever saw,” he says. “You’ll get a medal for saving that warehouse”

“Warehouse?” says the soldier, “I thought you said ‘whorehouse’!”

 

[champsman]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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