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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
ROTFLMAO
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
A young New York City woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Hudson River. Just before she could throw herself from the bridge, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain said.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
At least he didn't sell her the Brooklyn Bridge too!
_hr
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain said.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."
At least he didn't sell her the Brooklyn Bridge too!
_hr
Old business man to a beautiful young model, "Would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?"
“Hmmm. Yes, I think I would," she says.
"Well," he says, "how about five dollars then?"
“How dare you! What sort of girl do you think I am?”
"Honey, we’ve already established that. Now we are just fixing on the price."
“Hmmm. Yes, I think I would," she says.
"Well," he says, "how about five dollars then?"
“How dare you! What sort of girl do you think I am?”
"Honey, we’ve already established that. Now we are just fixing on the price."
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from that bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching and cheering, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from that bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching and cheering, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
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Johnny Cyclone
Elio Aficionado
Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? A. Full.
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
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When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
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When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop.
One night he was awakened by strange noises, coming from the shop.
He tiptoed downstairs and observed that his 21-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and was masturbating with a liverwurst.
He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, one of his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst.
The butcher explained that he did not have any.
The woman was annoyed. She pointed and said, “No liverwurst, eh? Well, what’s that hanging on the hook right over there?”
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The embarrassed butcher frowned at her and replied, “That, lady, is my new son-in-law.”
One night he was awakened by strange noises, coming from the shop.
He tiptoed downstairs and observed that his 21-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and was masturbating with a liverwurst.
He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, one of his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst.
The butcher explained that he did not have any.
The woman was annoyed. She pointed and said, “No liverwurst, eh? Well, what’s that hanging on the hook right over there?”
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The embarrassed butcher frowned at her and replied, “That, lady, is my new son-in-law.”
larryboy
Elio Addict
I have decided to come out of retirement and take a job as an elephant circumsizer. It does not pay much but you get big tips! No, really, you can make billfolds out of them. They are really neat because if you rub them a little they turn into suitcases!