Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[booboo]

My friends wife was hinting about what she wanted for her upcoming anniversary at a recent backyard BBQ.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.

I found out the other day that my friend bought her a bathroom scale.

 

[Coss]

I've heard that before, but wasn't it 0 - 200 in 3 seconds?

 

[hawg_ryder]

Uh Oh!

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

Texans Again!...

A Texan is drinking in an Israeli bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. After he hangs up the phone he orders drinks for everybody in the bar because his wife has just produced a baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texan takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans towards the bartender, and proudly says, "Had him circumcised.

_hr

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don’t want to know!" Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what is wrong.

"Oh daddy," Johnny sobs, "at age six I got the 'there is no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there is no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age eight you hit me with the 'there is no tooth fairy' speech.



If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to live for.”

 

[Johnny Acree]

Old couple goes to sex therapist


A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare

 

[Coss]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare."
"I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent."
"We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter."
"You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided."
"You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges."
"You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"






The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[Johnny Cyclone]

A fellow was out jogging in the park when he spotted an elderly man crying. He went over to him and asked what was the matter. The old man replied," I just got married a few months ago. My young wife is a former beauty pageant winner and lingerie model. She is independently wealthy and will not let me work. She is a gourmet cook who has written many cook books. She is also a nymphomaniac and will only have sex with me." "Well, why are you crying?" asked the young man. "I can't remember where I live."

 

[Coss]

A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh.
I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend"







The minister fainted.

 

[JK]

Bear and a rabbit side-by-side in the woods taking a shit.
The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?"
"No, not at all." Says the rabbit.
So the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.