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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
The farmer goes to town one day, and runs across his old buddy who is a tractor sales man. "How is it going?" asks the farmer.
"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman. "How is it going with you?"
"Not so good," replied the farmer.
"The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall.
Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall.
Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling.
Then my wife walked in.
.
.
.
.
.
So if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
"Not very good, I haven't sold a tractor in two weeks" said the salesman. "How is it going with you?"
"Not so good," replied the farmer.
"The other night I went out to milk my cow. First she tried to kick me with her right leg so I tied her leg to the right side of the stall.
Then she tried to kick me with her left leg, so I tied that to the left side of the stall.
Then she swatted me with her tail so I tied that to the ceiling.
Then my wife walked in.
.
.
.
.
.
So if you can convince her I was just trying to milk that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
Do you know why a dog licks his ass?
Because he knows in five minutes he will be licking your face!
Because he knows in five minutes he will be licking your face!
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Five Undeniable Facts
I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds about right.
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- A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
- We all love to spend money buying new clothes, but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
- Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks … PRICELESS.
- Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
- Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences but will grab whatever is available.
I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds about right.
_hr
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Thinking back a few years, living in Florida, I remember Hurricane Matthew. I was ready for it but my wife was not. When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot. She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever. Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
Oh Boy!
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A very nervous young interviewee was asked to meet her interviewer at a local restaurant for breakfast, while they discussed her abilities to perform a particular job.
Upon ordering some eggs and toast, the anxious young woman requested that her toast be well done. The waitress asks, "You want it burnt?"
The interviewee replies, "Well, I like my toast like I like my men."
The waitress replies, "A little dark?"
Embarrassed, the nervous applicant blurted out, "Well, I don't care about that. I just don't like it to go limp when I put it in my mouth."
She was hired on the spot.
Upon ordering some eggs and toast, the anxious young woman requested that her toast be well done. The waitress asks, "You want it burnt?"
The interviewee replies, "Well, I like my toast like I like my men."
The waitress replies, "A little dark?"
Embarrassed, the nervous applicant blurted out, "Well, I don't care about that. I just don't like it to go limp when I put it in my mouth."
She was hired on the spot.
larryboy
Elio Addict
The airline ticket agent was bent over writing something and a young man was fascinated by her ample cleavage. She suddenly straightened up and said, "can I help you? Flustered, he said "gimme a picket to tittsburgh."
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
This is not surprising . . .
Subject: This has to be one of the best "Enjoy the read"
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada:
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to
increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church
folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of
prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church......
"was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business
-- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any
and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know
how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the
power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all
bullshit."
_hr
Subject: This has to be one of the best "Enjoy the read"
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada:
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to
increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand
re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church
folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of
prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the
church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the
church......
"was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business
-- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any
and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know
how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the
paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the
power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all
bullshit."
_hr
Ty
Elio Addict
LOL. That exact thing happened to me last night. I had just salted my beans and wanted some mashed potatoes. They were over by my wife. I meant to say "Could you Please pass the Potatoes" but it came out like "You bitch! You've ruined my life". Same thing.