Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

"Life isn't like a box of chocolates...

It's more like a jar of Jalapeños…

What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!"

 

[Ty]

Guy and his wife are at a therapist. Therapist dives right in. "What appears to be the problem?" For the next 25 minutes, the wife goes on and on about what her husband does wrong, what he doesn't do, etc. The therapist gets up, stands her up, and lays a passionate kiss on her. She sits down speechless. The therapist says to the husband "She needs to be kissed like that at least twice a week. Do you think you can handle that?" "Well," says the husband, "I can get here here every Tuesday and Thursday!"

 

[Mel]

That reminds me of the divorce Judge that after hearing the wife's testimony, turned to the husband and said, "I'm going to grant her $3,000 a month. What do you think about that?" "Well Judge, I really appreciate that, and I'll try to give her a little myself every one in a while."

 

[Coss]

Sounds like the judge that heard my case on wife #2.
What a prick.

 

[Coss]

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets it's head out of it's ass!"

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

 

[Johnny Cyclone]

A guy calls his buddy and tells him he needs to hire a good lawyer. His buddy asks what he is going to court for. "I got arrested for having sex with a goat." His friend said, "I know two. The first is the best but he is expensive, The second is cheaper and not as crafty but he is excellent at picking a jury." The guy decides on the second one. On the first day of the trial, the DA tells the jury, " We will not only prove the defendant had sex with the goat, we will show you a photo of the goat kissing him on the mouth." The jury foreman turns to the guy beside him and says "A good goat will do that."

 

[gottemfeathers]

The Urinal is Too High


A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill
Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was
decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would
go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to
their little 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one little guy, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring,
the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No ma'am he replied, "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help."

 

[Coss]

An elephant asked a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel was stunned for a second and then replied,
“That’s a good question, especially coming from a freak who has his penis on his face!"

 

[larryboy]

From the moment the construction started next door little Timmy was there from dawn to dusk. It was not long before his mother noticed that his language had started to show the effects of hanging around the site. She warned him that he would get a whipping and finally one night at supper Timmy said "pass the fuking butter". His mother screamed "I have had it with your language! Go get me a switch! Timmy said "get it yourself, I aint no fuking electrician!"

 

[larryboy]

A quick riddle: What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody eats parsley!