Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A man is having his first proctologic exam.
The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and said the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes.

As he waited, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor appeared, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?”




The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled to his nurse. “Nurse! I said to bring me a Butt light!”

 

[Ty]

I was in Downtown Omaha this weekend and saw a sign painter finishing up on a sign in front of one of those shops that sells an eclectic mix of furniture. Apparently, it was called "This and That". I stood there looking at the sign which actually said " THIS AND THAT". I immediately could tell there was an extra space in there and wanted the shop owner to know before he paid the sign painter. I got his attention and pointed to the sign and said "The spacing is wrong between "THIS" and "AND" and "AND" and THAT". And THAT was how I used "And" five times in one sentence.

 

[Coss]

An hour after checking into the motel, the guest stormed up to the front desk.
“What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?” he claimed.

“What’s the problem, sir?" the confused desk clerk asked.

“I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun," shouted the irate guest.
“He told me to get on my knees and give him oral sex or he’d blast my brains all over the room!”


“Oh my,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?”



The guest screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”

 

[Coss]

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer.
He argues back and forth with the bartender, who refuses to serve him.
Finally, the bartender challenges him to get on the floor and do twenty push-ups to prove he is sober.

As he is doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers in.



He surveys the scene for a minute, pokes the guy in the ribs with his shoe, and says, “Hey fella, I think your girlfriend has gone home.”

 

[Johnny Cyclone]

A crowd was gathering at the scene of a terrible car accident. Six people were decapitated. As the victim's heads were gathered, a policeman would place them in a row on the curb. A drunk came by and remarked that the car involved looked like his friend's. The policeman asked him to look at the heads and see if he could identify one as his friend, The drunk went down the line and studied the heads and then turned to walk away. The cop shouted " Are any of these your friend?' "No." said the drunk. "He was taller than that."

 

[Coss]

The man enters a drugstore, "Give me a pack of condoms."

"What size?"

"I do not know"

"Well, take this board with holes.
Go to the toilet and measure."
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In 10 minutes the man comes back. "I have changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?"

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny walked in oh his parents having sex.
He asked what they were doing.
His father said, "We're playing poker and you're mom is the wild card."

The next day, little Johnny walks in on his brother having sex with his girlfriend and he asked what they were doing.
His brother said, "We're playing poker and she is the wild card."

The next day little Johnny's mom walks in on him w*nking off like there is no tomorrow.
She said, "I see you're playing poker but where is your wild card?"
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Little Johnny said, "Why do I need a wild card with a hand like this!"

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny walked in oh his parents having sex.
He asked what they were doing.
His father said, "We're playing poker and you're mom is the wild card."

The next day, little Johnny walks in on his brother having sex with his girlfriend and he asked what they were doing.
His brother said, "We're playing poker and she is the wild card."

The next day little Johnny's mom walks in on him w*nking off like there is no tomorrow.
She said, "I see you're playing poker but where is your wild card?"
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Little Johnny said, "Why do I need a wild card with a hand like this!"

 

[champsman]

A Woman's Poem*

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the shit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

 

[Coss]

There was a farmer who had many pigs.
One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer, "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should.
They shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question.
The farmer answered, "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak, things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes,
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"Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

 

[champsman]

LOVE MAKING

The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and
gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed
in ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies.
"Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss
allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah
tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The redneck says,
"That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of
bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on the curtains. She
hits the freakin' ceiling."