Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[champsman]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
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> The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
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> The white man faints and falls to the floor.
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> The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"
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> In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
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> The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
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> The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around "

 

[Coss]

Two lonely guys are talking over lunch.
The first guy says, “You would not believe what happened this morning.
A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said, ‘Take whatever you want!’ So I took the bike.”
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The second guy says, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

 

[Coss]

Passing through the hospital corridors, a doctor noticed a strong smell of marijuana.
He asked one of the nurses on duty about the odor.

“The good thing,” the nurse said, “is that down that hall everybody’s glaucoma has cleared up.
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The bad thing is that now everyone wants a Twinkie!”

 

[Coss]

A little lad asked his mom, "Is it bad to have a willy?"

"No," said his mother. "Why?"

"Cause daddy is upstairs trying to pull his off."

 

[gottemfeathers]

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her,

'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail
into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail,
she tells him,
'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know.
How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder......

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

 

[Coss]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress.
One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring, we never have any fun anymore.
For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrills whistling.

The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
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"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"
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[Johnny Cyclone]

There was a 90 year old man arrested for rape. His lawyer got the charge reduced to assault with a dead weapon.

 

[Coss]

The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
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The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow." ………….

 

[Coss]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales, and stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, it's throat was very small.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
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The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." ………………..

 

[Coss]

A little boy was sitting on the side of a curb and was crying.
This old man was passing by, and he stopped and asked the little boy, “My dear boy, why are you crying?”

The little boy looked up at the old man all teary eyed and said, "I've tried everything and I cannot get laid."

The old man looked at the little boy, sat right next to him, and started crying too.