Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

Little Sally asks her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block.
He tells her no, because Fluffy was in heat.

Little Sally asks, "What does in heat mean?"

Without any explanation, her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it.
He told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone.

Her dad asks, "Where is Fluffy?"

Little Sally says, "Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home."

 

[Coss]

A local reporter wants to do a news story about patients in a mental institution. The Director of Psychology invites him.
They go past one room and there is a man swinging an invisible bat.
He says, "My name Is Barry Bonds. I'm getting out of here on Friday."

They go past a second room and there is a man swinging an invisible golf club.
He says, "My is Tiger Woods. I'm getting out of here on Friday."

The director says, "These men are clearly insane."
They go past the last room, and there is a man with no clothes on standing on a chair.
He is naked, his penis is erect, and he is dropping peanuts on it.

He turns to the two men, and says, "I am f*cking nuts. I'm going to be here for a while!"

 

[gottemfeathers]

At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor - I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the rabbi "I'm sorry Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now and asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said, "Irving I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!"

 

[gottemfeathers]

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender .
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going
crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."
It's always better to get a 2nd opinion.

 

[JK]

Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.

 

[Coss]

Confusius say....

Man who run in front of bus, gets tired.

 

[BrianRosenthal]

Confusius say....

Man who run in front of bus, gets tired.

Man who runs behind bus gets exhausted.

 

[Mel]

If all the cars in the United States were lined up, bumper to bumper, around the world................
.
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Some Idiot would try to pass!

 

[gottemfeathers]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[Coss]

HAHAHAHAHAHHHHaaaa good one, absolutely a good one …..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH