Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

This elderly lady is a widow two times and she decides to get married again.
On the wedding day she shows up at the church in a white dress.
The preacher comes over and says, "Excuse me, but what are you doing?"

She replies, "Preacher, I came to get married."

He said, "Don’t you know that only virgins are supposed to dress in white on their wedding day?"

She responds, "But Preacher, I’m still a virgin."

"I married you two times in this church before.
How can you tell me that you are still a virgin?"

"I am and I can prove it.

Look, my first husband was a gynecologist all he wanted was to look at it.

My second husband was a stamp collector... boy do I miss that guy."

 

[Coss]

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store.
He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store.
When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear.

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?"

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?"

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

 

[Coss]

Coming out from the chiropractor’s treatment room, a young man said out loud in the crowded waiting room, “I feel like a new man!”

“I do too,” a middle-age woman responded, “but I’ll probably go home with the same old one.”

 

[Doug McDow]

 

[Coss]

This guy and his girlfriend were at 'Lookout Point', where the younger crowd went to make out.
They started heavily making out guy thinking he was going to score asked the girl, "Do you want to go to the back seat?"

She replies, "No!"

So respecting her choice he kindly went back to making out with her.
Ten minutes later he asks again, "Do you want to go to the back seat?"

Once again she says "No!" and he goes back to work.
Another ten minutes go by and he asks, "Do you want to go to the back?"

She once again says, "No!"

Pissed off he says, "Why the hell not?"




"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

 

[larryboy]

This guy and his girlfriend were at 'Lookout Point', where the younger crowd went to make out.
They started heavily making out guy thinking he was going to score asked the girl, "Do you want to go to the back seat?"

She replies, "No!"

So respecting her choice he kindly went back to making out with her.
Ten minutes later he asks again, "Do you want to go to the back seat?"

Once again she says "No!" and he goes back to work.
Another ten minutes go by and he asks, "Do you want to go to the back?"

She once again says, "No!"

Pissed off he says, "Why the hell not?"




"Because I want to stay up here with you!"

 

[gottemfeathers]

Keeping a positive mental attitude is good advice for this forum!

Everybody needs a Positive Mental Attitude!

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain in the ICU with tubes and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried.

It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation. The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes.

Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my friends, is a real Positive Mental Attitude.

 

[Johnny Acree]

Latest sexual abuse news from Hollywood, Caitlyn Jenner is suing Bruce Jenner. She claims he has been groping her for the past 50 years.

 

[W. WIllie]

If Bruce adopts a kid, will the adoption paper read FATHER Bruce, MOTHER Caitlyn. No PARTNER needed.?

 

[gottemfeathers]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, I have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those
bastards at the post office.


Sincerely,
Edna