Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Johnny Acree]

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”

"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

 

[Coss]

 

[Coss]

One night, a man and his wife were watching TV, It was about breast implants.
The wife said, ”I wish I had bigger breast.”

The man said, ”You don’t have to get silicone breasts, just wipe between your breast with toilet paper.”

"How would that work?" asked the wife.

The man said, "Well, you have been wiping your butt for 50 years and it's gotten bigger."

 

[Doug McDow]

Old Blue was a great quail hunting dog, not only could he point where they were, he could also tell you how many there were. One day his master took a bunch of his buddies hunting. He sent Old Blue out to find some quail. In a few minutes Old Blue returned barked 5 times and pointed to the Northeast. His master said that not enough, so he sent Old Blue out again. This time he barked 10 times and pointed to the Northwest. His Master said that it wasn’t enough, and sent him out again. This time he pointed to the North, he then started humping one of guys legs.They ask what that meant. Old Blue’s Master said. There are so many - - - - ing quail out there that he couldn’t count them!

 

[Doug McDow]

 

[Mel]

Mel Tillis was telling about his best friend in school:

M-Mikey Jones was my b-b-best friend. M-mikey had tonsillitis n-near ‘bouts all the time. One d-day the Dr. said, “They g-got to come out!” M-Mrs. Jones asked the Dr. w-w-when he could do the operation.
He said, “M-Mrs. Jones, this week we got a “two-fer”. C-c-come in for one op-operation and get the s-second one for half price.” Now Mrs. J-Jones was all for two-fers. She said, “M-Mikey is 10 years old and ain't never been c-c-circumc-cised. Since he'll be out, w-we don’t need to tell him nothin'. W-while he’s out for the t-tonsillectomy, just g-give him a t-trim.”

About 2 weeks later I saw M-Mikey at school. I said, “M-Mikey, h-how did it go?” He said, “M-Melvin, you know all that r-readin' we did about t-tonsils? Well e-evidently, they ain’t wh-where we thought they was!"

 

[gottemfeathers]

A couple were invited to a swanky Halloween costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He protested, but she said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished.... Naturally, (since he was her husband)..

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to....

 

[gottemfeathers]

A husband and wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when a stunning young woman walked over to their table, gave the husband a long, open mouthed kiss and then told him she'd see him later as she strolled away. The wife glared at her husband and said, " Who the hell was that!"

"Oh" the husband said casually, "That's my mistress."

"This is the last straw!" the wife exclaimed, "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"

" I can understand that," the husband said. " But if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche in the garage and no more yacht club. The decision is yours."

At that moment, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a beautiful young woman on his arm.

"Who is that woman with Eric?" the wife asked.

The husband replied, "That's his mistress."

"Ours is prettier," she said and resumed eating her dinner.

 

[Coss]

A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
“He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!”

“You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse.

“Yes! Isn’t that odd?
There’s actually a word tattooed there, it says 'Swan.’’’

“This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten.
Half an hour later, she returned.

“You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there.


But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’

 

[Doug McDow]

A husband and wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when a stunning young woman walked over to their table, gave the husband a long, open mouthed kiss and then told him she'd see him later as she strolled away. The wife glared at her husband and said, " Who the hell was that!"

"Oh" the husband said casually, "That's my mistress."

"This is the last straw!" the wife exclaimed, "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"

" I can understand that," the husband said. " But if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Porsche in the garage and no more yacht club. The decision is yours."

At that moment, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a beautiful young woman on his arm.

"Who is that woman with Eric?" the wife asked.

The husband replied, "That's his mistress."

"Ours is prettier," she said and resumed eating her dinner.

My wife would still be doing all those things! (After she had me Cremated)