Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[gottemfeathers]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge .

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

[Coss]

Two young fellows decided to open a microbrewery in the foothills.
After several years of careful work they produced a product with a golden strawlike color and a good strong flavor of hops.

They sent it to the chemical lab at the State Department of Food Safety and after waiting impatiently for three weeks the lab analysis came back.

"Dear Sirs... Our analysis of the sample sent to us indicates that your horse has diabetes."

 

[wjdom]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge .

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

LOL WILL BE SENDING TO ALL MY BIKER BUDDIES!!!

 

[Mel]

Two fishermen in a boat in the middle of the lake "caught" an antique lamp. When they rubbed off the crud, a Genie appeared and stated that they may have one wish. One of the fishermen quickly said, "I don't have to think about that. I wish that this lake was filled with ice cold beer!" "POOF".... The water in the lake was replaced with ice cold beer. The other fisherman yelled, "You stupid SOB, why didn't you take a moment to think? Now we have to piss in the boat."

 

[Doug McDow]

Two Red necks rented a boat and went fishing. After moving around the lake for an hour they hit a hot spot. Caught their limit in no time all. On the way back to the dock, one said to the other, we should have marked that spot so we could go back. The other said, I did. I marked it on the side of the boat. The other one said, You dumb SOB what makes you think that we will get this boat next time!

 

[Coss]

Alison Jane wanted a parrot for a long time.
Finally she got the nerve to go get one.
She walked into the down town pet store and she found the one parrot she wanted.

She asked the clerk why the bird had strings on its feet.
The store owner replied, "Well, this bird used to be in a circus, so when you pull the string on the left leg it says, 'hello there'.
And when you pull the string on the right leg, it says, 'bye'.

Allison Jane then asked what happens when you pull both at the same time?

"Wakk, I’ll fall off my perch you idiot!" replied the parrot.

 

[Johnny Acree]

THE CHRISTMAS PARROT
PreviousNext
A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale. He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its left foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away. Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

 

[Coss]

A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine.
Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

 

[Mel]

Very rich lady tries to buy a particular parrot. The salesman refuses to sell to her because of the parrot's last owner, a "house" mistress. The lady demands to purchase the bird or she will buy the shop and fire the salesman. She takes the parrot home and uncovers the cage. The parrot looks around and says, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, brand new whore." She panically calls the next door neighbor. The neighbor walks in and the parrot says, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, two new whores." "What can I do? Joe will be home any minute". About that time Joe walks in. Parrot looks around and says, "Squawk, brand new whore house, two new whores, same old customer. Hello Joe!"

 

[Lil4X]

Wanted:

Now hiring lawn/landscaping laborer.
Meth-head/alcoholic $9 per hr.
Same as above with driver's license $10
Same as above and shows up everyday $11
Same as above with no drama not on probation $12
Works as hard as me and bi-lingual $17 per hour.​