Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Johnny Acree]

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

 

[Coss]

Showering after a game of tennis, David happened to look over at Bob’s genitals. “Wow,” he exclaimed, “that’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!”

Bob smiled. “It wasn’t always that big.
It grew because I rubbed it with butter every day.”

Determined to improve his own endowment, David went home to do likewise.
The following week he and Bob played tennis again. “How’s it going with your... home improvement?” Bob asked.

“Terrible,” David said. “I’ve been greasing my dick every day, but it keeps shrinking!”

“Really? Are you sure you’re using enough butter?”

“Butter, hell. I’m allergic to dairy products, so I’ve been using Crisco.”

Bob frowned. “Of course it’s getting smaller then, Crisco’s shortening!”

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
“Does anyone know what this is?” she asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my Dad has two of them!”

“Two of them?” the teacher asked.

“Yeah, he has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”

 

[Coss]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go to Jerusalem to observe the culture and to get a better understanding of the Holy City.

During their stay, tragedy stuck as the mother-in-law passed away.
The man and his wife go to the local undertaker to see about burying the deceased.
The undertaker says, "You can bury her here for $150.00 or we can ship her home for $3,000.00."

The man instantly said, "Oh, we'll ship her home."

The undertaker, taken back a bit, begged the question, "Why would you do that when you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, and save a lot of money?"

The man exclaimed, "A man died here over 2000 years only to rise again three days later... I can't take that chance."

 

[larryboy]

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go to Jerusalem to observe the culture and to get a better understanding of the Holy City.

During their stay, tragedy stuck as the mother-in-law passed away.
The man and his wife go to the local undertaker to see about burying the deceased.
The undertaker says, "You can bury her here for $150.00 or we can ship her home for $3,000.00."

The man instantly said, "Oh, we'll ship her home."

The undertaker, taken back a bit, begged the question, "Why would you do that when you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, and save a lot of money?"

The man exclaimed, "A man died here over 2000 years only to rise again three days later... I can't take that chance."

W.C. Fields was asked in a similar situation if he wanted his mother in law embalmed or cremated. His reply, Do both, take no chances!

 

[gottemfeathers]

An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones.


The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a friend for coffee. While awaiting her friend’s arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband responded: "I'm takin' a sh*t. Please advise."


Almost brings a tear to my eyes.

 

[Coss]

A guy asks his friend, "If you knew that they were about to drop an atomic bomb, what’s the first thing you would do?"

"I would screw the first thing that moved! What would you do?"

The first guy says, "I would stand very still for at least half an hour."

 

[Coss]

A guy goes to his first baseball game.
He caught on quickly.
Every time the hitter would swing and get a hit, every one would start yelling, "RUN! RUN!"

Then one runner started walking to 1st, and the guy stands up and yells, "Run you lazy bastard! Run!"

The kid sitting next to him says he can’t run.
The guys asks, "Why not?"

The kid then explains that the batter had 4 balls.
Then the guy stands up and yells, "Walk proudly man!"

 

[Johnny Acree]

A doctor who works at the mental hospital wants to take his patients out to a baseball game seeing as they're so well behaved. He goes to his colleagues and asks them if it's ok. They don't want to let him take them in case they misbehave or do something wrong seeing as they're complete nutcases.
But the doctor wants to show them that the patients are really good. So he brings them in and says, "Sit Nuts." And all the patients sit.
He then says, "Stand Nuts." And all the patients stand. He then says "Talk Nuts." And they all start chatting. The other doctors are impressed and agree its ok.
So they go to the stadium and the doctor leaves to go get snacks. When he comes back out everyone is running and screaming. He stops a guy and asks him what the heck is happening. The man replies, "The vendor came by and started yelling PEANUTS! and a bunch of people started pissing all over the place."

source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Mental_Patients#ixzz4pAGsdnS2

 

[RUCRAYZE]

Not everyone can be Irish,
Someone has to drive.