Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[NSTG8R]

Chris Pratt (from Parks and Rec) is the main character. It IS a pretty funny movie though.

Right! Chris Pratt! Thanks for the correction. Chris Pine is Captain Kirk. Chris Pratt is "Star-Lord".

 

[Johnny Acree]

I re-worded this a little.
What does a dyslexic, troll, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a oilE.

 

[W. WIllie]

I've waited so long for the ELIO, I quit having "wet dreams" when i think about it.

 

[NSTG8R]

It was back in the 70's and asoon-to-be prominent golfer (Ray Floyd) was playing at Augusta for his first Masters. Back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals. Floyd told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed.


The caddy who was assigned Floyd said, "Hello Mr. Floyd."


Floyd said "Hello." And followed that with, "That's the last I want to hear from you unless I ask you a question."


Everything went well until the 10th hole when Floyd pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene he said out loud, "I'm going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and then roll over the crest down near the hole."


Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, "How's that?"


The caddy spoke for the first time and said, "That wasn't your ball."

 

[Muzhik]

Did you hear how Einstein died? The Mafia killed him. He knew too much.

 

[Muzhik]

Did you know they found Jimmy Hoffa? That's right, he was in the Yellow Pages under cement.

 

[Coss]

Did you know they found Jimmy Hoffa? That's right, he was in the Yellow Pages under cement.

 

[Lil4X]

Muzhik has just been awarded the septagroan, a new forum record.

 

[larryboy]

Osama Bin Ladin arrives on the other side. He is met at the gate and told that this is where he will spend eternity. He can have one and only one audience with Allah and is advise to wait until he has spent a little time here so he can get all his questions answered. He is ushered into a large room with a number of men in it. Pretty soon George Washington walks up to him and punches him in the nose as hard as he can. Osama drops to his knees and Robert E. Lee kicks him right in the nuts. Patrick Henry kicks him in the ribs and at that point Osama has had enough and he starts screaming that he wants his audience with Allah. He is ushered into Allah's presence and before he says anything Allah says "Osama I don't know what you were thinking. I clearly said that anyone who pulled the kind of crap you did would spend eternity with 72 Virginians!

 

[CompTrex]

Osama Bin Ladin arrives on the other side. He is met at the gate and told that this is where he will spend eternity. He can have one and only one audience with Allah and is advise to wait until he has spent a little time here so he can get all his questions answered. He is ushered into a large room with a number of men in it. Pretty soon George Washington walks up to him and punches him in the nose as hard as he can. Osama drops to his knees and Robert E. Lee kicks him right in the nuts. Patrick Henry kicks him in the ribs and at that point Osama has had enough and he starts screaming that he wants his audience with Allah. He is ushered into Allah's presence and before he says anything Allah says "Osama I don't know what you were thinking. I clearly said that anyone who pulled the kind of crap you did would spend eternity with 72 Virginians!

I'm from Virginia! Do I get a shot?