Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the lecturer with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student.



"But I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

 

[Coss]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
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The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

 

[Doug McDow]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, and then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail.”
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The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”

It must be that time of the year, that is what my wife told me to do also!

 

[Coss]

It must be that time of the year, that is what my wife told me to do also!

Go fly a kite, or you need a piece of tail?

 

[Doug McDow]

Go fly a kite, or you need a piece of tail?

Which one would you guess?

 

[Coss]

A distraught man goes to see a psychologist.
“How may I help you?" asks the shrink.

“Doc, every night I have the same dream.
I’m lying in bed and a dozen women walk in, try to rip my clothes off, and then have wild sex with me.”

“And then what do you do?” the shrink asks.

“I push them away,” the man says.

“Then what do you want me to do?” the shrink asks.
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“Isn't it obvious? I want you to break my arms!”

 

[Coss]

Which one would you guess?

Well since you put it that way, I guess I would have to say the later

 

[Coss]

Three babies are in their mother's womb.
One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here."

The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here."

Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

 

[W. WIllie]

What do you call a pregnant women with a glass stomach?

"A WOMB with a view."

 

[Johnny Acree]

2018 NFL Bad Lip Reading
http://www.thebigshow.com/vod_html5/archive.php