Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A man who is concerned about his wife cheating on him wants to catch her in the act. He doesn't have enough money to hire a PI, so he goes to a pet shop. There he asks the clerk if he has a parrot for sale. The clerk shows him the last parrot he has: "This is the last parrot I have for sale. He doesn't have any legs, but he is very smart." The man asks, "If he doesn't have any legs, how does he stay on the perch?" "He holds on with his dick." the clerk answered. The man asks " How much?" "Since he doesn't have any legs, I'll sell him to you for fifty bucks."
The suspicious man purchases the talking bird and takes him home. He sets up the cage in his bedroom where he can see everything; he then instructs the parrot to watch what ever goes on in the room and inform him when he gets home from work.
So the next morning he leaves for work and his wife stays home, as usual. When the man gets home from work, as his wife is cooking supper, he asks the parrot to tell him what went on during the day. The parrot begins, "At eight o'clock this morning the mailman came...."Interrupting the man asks, "Yeah and what happened?" [parrot] “he came in the house..." Furiously, the man asked "And then" [parrot] "...and then he came into the bedroom..." Astounded the man impatiently asks, "What happened next?"
[parrot] "He began to take off his clothes and she hers..." "What happened after that!"
The parrot then replied, "I don't know I sprung a boner and fell off!"

 

[Mel]

Very wealthy lady saw a parrot in a pet store and wanted to know how much.
The store owner said, "I can't sell you that parrot. He comes from a very sleazy household and you would not be happy with him."
"I am very rich and I WANT THAT PARROT!" She took the parrot home and uncovered the cage. The parrot looked around and said, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, brand new whore." Astounded the lady called her neighbor over. When the neighbor came in the parrot looked around and said, "Squawk, Brand new whore house, two new whores!" The lady asked the neighbor, "What can I do, my husband is due home any minute."
Just then the husband comes in. The parrot looks around and says, "Squawk. Brand new whore house, two new whores, same old customer, Hello Joe!"

 

[Coss]

Not really a joke, but a true story that deserves to be a joke:

Police in Washington state said a need for speed wasn't the only monkey on a fleeing suspect's back -- he also literally had a monkey on his back.

The Burien Police Department said the suspect was clocked driving 112 mph by a Washington State Trooper and the motorist lost control of the vehicle when he took an exit.

The driver crashed his vehicle into a large rock in a resident's yard and allegedly started to flee the scene on foot before returning to the car for his pet monkey.

Police said the man and his "partner-in-crime" were found near the scene and both were taken into custody.

Police shared a photo of the man in the back of a police cruiser with the monkey clinging to his back.

"Once we determined the monkey was not the driver, we released him to a family member since he was only engaged in monkey business," Burien police said.

The man was charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

 

[Coss]

How To Run Your Fire Truck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door.
The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The firefighter says, "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?"

The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my Fire truck!"

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says.

"Thanks, mister" says the little girl.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles.

"Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[Ekh]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

OUCH!

 

[Lil4X]

Up in rural East Texas a farmer's barn caught fire and the structure was heavily involved before apparatus from surrounding counties could get to the scene. The firefighters stood back from the flames assuming the structure was a total loss, hosing down other outbuildings and the farmer's home, when an old red pickup came roaring down the road and turned into the gate. With several local volunteer firemen hanging on the running boards, the old truck barely slowed as it hurtled into the flaming barn. The volunteers quickly dismounted and began fighting the fire with hoses, axes, even a few ragged tarps as they beat the flames back. Within minutes they had put out the fire in the barn and the County Fire Chief ran over to congratulate the ragged and exhausted firemen.

"That was the bravest thing I've ever seen in thirty years in the fire service!" he told the volunteers. "You boys charged in there and put out the fire all by yourselves!!? How did you do it?"

"Well", said the driver, "first we had a hard time getting the old truck started . . . so we was late."

"So that's why you charged into the flames and worked so fast?", asked the Chief.

"Naw, that was just to remind me I gotta get those brakes fixed."

 

[Mel]

Next time you purchase a handgun, get the gun, buy ammunition, then ask if they sell ski masks!

 

[Coss]

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

 

[Ty]

It's been a week since the last joke? Okay, I've got 4 girls. The oldest is out on her own but the other three still allow me to flex my Daddy puns and jokes. The 7 year old doesn't stand a chance. Okay, just a minute ago, after talking to them, this joke came into my head and I'm pretty sure it's original though your smiles may vary.

Bob and Bill decided to build a robot. They met every Saturday and never planned anything. They started at the feet because, well, gravity and they needed it to support itself. The feet looked great. The next week, the legs went great. This went on for several weeks where they just met and built without planning. Everything just worked great. They built a great neck. They met for one last weekend to build the head and when they were done, it was grotesque. And then it ate them both. The moral? You should always plan a head.




(The groan button will just make me smile really big.)

 

[Mel]

OK since we're going for groaners. Here's one that I pull on my daughter and have or many years.

I have 2 common US coins. Together they total 30 cents. One of them is NOT a nickel. What are the 2 coins?
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A quarter and a nickel.

One of them is NOT a nickel but the other one is!