Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Ty]

A woman I know had a breast removed and replaced it with a wooden one. It would be cool if I could come up with a joke, wouldn't it?

(Wouldn't it --- wooden title) (Thats for people who don't read like my accent talks.)

 

[Coss]

 

[Mel]

A woman I know had a breast removed and replaced it with a wooden one. It would be cool if I could come up with a joke, wouldn't it?
(Wouldn't it --- wooden title) (Thats for people who don't read like my accent talks.)

That reminds me of the hair-lipped guy who was very self conscious went to a dance. There he met a girl who had a wooden eye who was also very self conscious. She asked him to dance to which he replied, "WOULD I, WOULD I?" She then blurted out. "HAIR-LIP, HAIR-LIP!"

 

[Coss]

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ......
Wish I had a way to make this bigger

 

[Johnny Acree]

• 
  A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
  Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in midair.
  
  "Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
  
  They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
  
  They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
  
  The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
  
  The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
  
  "No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!"
  
  

 

[Coss]

Judge, Whose Coke Is it?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, and the custody of their children created a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should keep custody of them.

The man also wanted custody, and the judge asked him to justify his demand.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”

 

[Coss]

Talking Frog

A golfer was standing in the fairway, about 140 yards out, when a frog
whispered from the rough, "Use an 8-iron." The golfer, deep in
concentration pulled out his 8-iron and hit the shot.
It rolled right into the cup for an eagle.

"Now take me to Vegas," said the frog.
"What?" said the startled golfer, suddenly realizing it was a talking frog.
"You heard me," repeated the frog, "take me to Vegas.
I'm obviously a lucky frog, and we'll make a bundle!"
So the golfer picked up the frog and they flew to Vegas.
In the casino, the frog whispered, "Go to the dice table and bet everything
on the pass line."
The shooter rolled a seven, and the man with the frog won $100,000.

Then the guy took the frog upstairs to his room and the frog said, "Kiss me."
When he did, it turned into the most beautiful girl you've ever seen - deep brown eyes, blond hair, beautiful smile and 16 years old.

"And I swear, Your Honor, that's how she got in my room."

 

[Coss]

This is your .........

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful.
How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people!
How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a**hole before prison..................

 

[ross]

A guy is walking by a pond one day and hears 'Hey buddy got a minute?' he looks down and there's a frog, he picks it up and says 'oh my gosh you're a talking frog!' Frog says 'I'm more than that, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful woman' the guy puts the frog in his shirt pocket and starts to walk away. The frog beats him on the chest and says 'I'm telling you the truth, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful woman' the guy takes the frog out of his pocket, looks it in the eye and says 'I hear you, and I believe you, but I know what women are like and if it's all the same to you, I'd just as soon have a talking frog.'

 

[ross]

A guy is walking in the woods one day and hears a loud commotion, goes to investigate and finds a leprechaun caught in a snare, he frees him and the leprechaun says 'I'll grant you three wishes.' The man says 'I'd like money, I don't want to be filthy rich but I'm tired of being broke.' Leprechaun says 'you got it.' The man says 'I want a nice car, nothing real fancy but I'm tired of driving a beater. Leprechaun says 'you got it'. The man says 'I want a better sex life.' Leprechaun says 'you got it.'
A year later the man is walking in the woods and hears 'Hey buddy aren't you the guy that freed me from the snare?' The man says he is, leprechaun asks 'how's things going?' The man says 'great, I've always got a couple hundred dollars in my wallet, if I buy something I've still got a couple hundred bucks there.' Leprechaun says 'we can crank that up, put a couple grand in there just as easy.' The man says 'no I'm doing just fine, thanks.' Leprechaun asks 'what are you driving?' Man says 'a late model Chevy, nothing real fancy but a nice clean car.' Leprechaun says 'I can put you in a Caddy just as easy' man says 'no thanks I'm happy with car I've got.' Leprechaun asks 'how's your sex life?' Man says 'good, I'm having sex 2 to 3 times a week. Leprechaun says 'Come on at least let me crank that up a bit.' Man says 'no thanks, for a catholic priest in a small town I think 2 to 3 times a week is enough.'