Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Kuda]

I have GOT to send this to my daughter, the physics/math major!

Love it, nonsense on steroids!

 

[Muzhik]

Is that a really young Carl Reiner?

It looks like him, but no. According to the text on the YouTube site, "The narrator and writer is Bud Haggert. He was the top voice-over talent on technical films. He wrote the script because he rarely understood the technical copy he was asked to read and felt he shouldn't be alone. " Apparently, he used this opportunity to develop an audio prompter called "The Ear", which is now standard equipment for every newscaster on the air.

 

[Coss]

It looks like him, but no. According to the text on the YouTube site, "The narrator and writer is Bud Haggert. He was the top voice-over talent on technical films. He wrote the script because he rarely understood the technical copy he was asked to read and felt he shouldn't be alone. " Apparently, he used this opportunity to develop an audio prompter called "The Ear", which is now standard equipment for every newscaster on the air.

Hmmm learn something new everyday on here; Thanks!

 

[ross]

Question: what's grey and comes in quarts?









Elephants!

The circus comes to town and an elephant sneaks away, ends up in a blonde lady's back yard garden picking cabbages with its trunk and stuffing them in its mouth and eating them as fast as it can. She has never seen an elephant before and freaks out, calls 911 and says 'There's a large grey animal in my garden pulling cabbages out of the ground with its tail!' dispatcher responds 'yes mam'n and what is this animal doing with these cabbages?' she replies 'I'm afraid if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.'

 

[Coss]

The circus comes to town and an elephant sneaks away, ends up in a blonde lady's back yard garden picking cabbages with its trunk and stuffing them in its mouth and eating them as fast as it can. She has never seen an elephant before and freaks out, calls 911 and says 'There's a large grey animal in my garden pulling cabbages out of the ground with its tail!' dispatcher responds 'yes mam'n and what is this animal doing with these cabbages?' she replies 'I'm afraid if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.'

Now that's funny

 

[Mel]

Why are elephants wrinkled?...............Ever try to iron one?

Why do elephants wear tennies?...............Ninies are too small.

What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?..........An elephant in a baggie.

What's that brown stuff between elephant's toes?...........Slow natives.

Why do elephants paint a yellow stripe down their back?..........To hide in the middle of the highway!..........Ever see an elephant in the highway?.....Works!

What's gray and has big ears and a trunk?..........A mouse on vacation.

 

[Rob Croson]

I don't think we've done this one yet:

The narrator of the video was not the originator of the turboencabulator. He may have written the specific script, but the joke predates that video by more than 30 years. The turboencabulator joke goes all the way back to 1944, when the first description of it was published. The script used for the video is a modified/adapted version of that original description. GE released a Turboencabulator data sheet in 1962, using some of the original description, and adding many of their own jokes. You can follow along between the video and portions of the GE data sheet. GE actually published the data sheet in one of their catalogs. JPG versions are available from Wikipedia, where you can get more details and the whole story.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turboencabulator

 

[Maurtis]

Elio should patent the triple tandem turboencabulator before the competition moves in. At over 268,800 furlongs per fornight, the Elio is something.

 

[ross]

Once upon a time in a coren funtry there lived a very gutiful birl and her name was rindercella.
Rindercilla lived with her mugly other and her two sad bisters.
Also in this same coren funtry lived a very pransome hince and he was going to have bancy fall so he invited all the people for riles amound, especially the pitch reople..
Rindercellas mugly other and her two sad bisters went out to buy some dancy fresses to wear to this bancy fall but Rindercella couldn't go because all she had to wear was some old rirty dags
Finally the night of the bancy fall arrived and Rindercella couldn't go, so she just cat down and scried, but while she was kitten there a scrying along came her gary mud father and touched her with his wagic man and there appeared before her a kig bouch and hix white sourses to take her to the bancy fall, but he said 'you be sure to be home before nidmight or I'll purn you into a tumkin.'
When Rindercella arrived at the bancy fall the pransome hince was waiting for her because he'd been watching behind a widen hindow.
Rindercella and the pransome hince nanced all dight until nidmight and they lell in fove.
Finally the mid clock struck night and rindercella stanced down the rairs and just as she beached rottom she slopped her dripper.
The very next day the pransome hince went all over the coren funtry looking for the gutiful birl who had slopped her dripper.
Finally he came to Rindercellas house and he tried it on her mugly other and it fidn't dit so he tried it on her two sugly usters and it fidn't dit, finally he tried it on rindercella and it fid dit, it was exactly the sight rise.
Well Rindercella and the pransome hince were married and heavily after hapwards.
Now the storel of the morey is if you ever go to a bancy fall and you want a pransome hince to lall in fove with you, don't forget to slop your dripper.

 

[Ty]

I went to the local zoo yesterday. It was completely empty except for one cage. In that cage sat a single little dog. It was a shit zoo.