Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

The fence between Heaven and Hell broke. St. Peter was sent to talk to Lucifer about who’s going to fix the fence.

No agreement was reach and St. Peter said, “You will be hearing from our lawyer!”

To that, Lucifer replied, “Where are you going to get one?” ................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices.

These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

 

[Coss]

A woman had been in a coma for a while. Her doctors told her husband that they had tried everything they could and that she was near death.

There was only one experimental procedure left to try to revive her and that would be oral sex. The husband agreed to try.
They provided privacy for the couple and watched the monitor of her condition... blip ... blip... BLIP... then flat line... she was gone.

The husband came out shaking his head and said, "I hope I didn't choke her." ................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

In the interest of efficiency!

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."



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[hawg_ryder]

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal;
-Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars.
Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles.
With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced;
-We have a brave winner.
After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said;
-I didn't jump, someone pushed me!
His wife smiled ...
Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."


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[hawg_ryder]

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[Coss]

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

So they won’t hump your leg at a cocktail party.