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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! HO HO HO <inhaaaaallllllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!<grin>>
(Hay no cough!! Good Nog there Willie!!)
(Hay no cough!! Good Nog there Willie!!)
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital, a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting, reassured him by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.".............
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"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.".............
..............................
This one is kind of long, but worth the wait........Put your feet up, sit back, and enjoy the story...............
A couple is getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up and everything. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he mustn't be angry, that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, and then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank.
He continues... "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a man." ...............................................
A couple is getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up and everything. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he mustn't be angry, that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, and then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank.
He continues... "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode.
The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a man." ................
...............................
Kevin is watching a movie on Friday night and feels rather amorous. He says to his wife, "Hey honey, how about it?”
She says, “I have a headache.”
Saturday nigh they are in bed, and he asks, “Sweetheart, how about it?”
She says, “I’m too tired.”
Sunday night he climbs into bed, puts his arm around her, and says again, “Well how about it?”
She pushes him away and says, “Three nights in a row? What are you, a sex maniac?”............
..............
..................
She says, “I have a headache.”
Saturday nigh they are in bed, and he asks, “Sweetheart, how about it?”
She says, “I’m too tired.”
Sunday night he climbs into bed, puts his arm around her, and says again, “Well how about it?”
She pushes him away and says, “Three nights in a row? What are you, a sex maniac?”............
................................
Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out.
The two couples then go to a local motel.
They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.
One couple, in their room, go wild with each other.
They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says...
"I wonder how the guys are doing?".....................................
The two couples then go to a local motel.
They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.
One couple, in their room, go wild with each other.
They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says...
"I wonder how the guys are doing?".....................
................
Little Johnny and the little girl next door are in love. One day Johnny goes to his mother and tells her that the two are getting married. She thinks this is absolutely adorable and asks, "Well Johnny, where are the two of you going to live?"
He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks. Johnny tells her the two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six year olds.
"Well what will you do if you have a baby?"
Johnny look at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well we've been lucky so far." ................................
............................
He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks. Johnny tells her the two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six year olds.
"Well what will you do if you have a baby?"
Johnny look at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well we've been lucky so far." ................................
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hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
_hr
12-31 was the last joke???? Shame.....
Here, I'll fix that .............
One day Noah was taking a stroll around the deck of the Ark when he came across one of his grandsons fishing off the side.
Noah firmly inquired, "You aren't using worms, are you?"
Here, I'll fix that .............
One day Noah was taking a stroll around the deck of the Ark when he came across one of his grandsons fishing off the side.
Noah firmly inquired, "You aren't using worms, are you?"
Ok ok, it's a start .....................
#2
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven’s gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: “How did you get here?”
Johnny: “Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of infidelity and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so bad about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”
Johnny: “Oh, man, if you had check the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive.” ............ .................................
#2
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven’s gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: “How did you get here?”
Johnny: “Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of infidelity and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so bad about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”
Johnny: “Oh, man, if you had check the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive.” ............
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