Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

While making love together for the first time Joe was furious when his girlfriend suddenly stopped and laid back.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Forgive me,” she said, “but it’s your organ. It just isn’t big enough."

“Excuse me!” Joe replied, “But it wasn’t meant to be played in a Cathedral!”

 

[Coss]

There are two women sitting around talking about their lovers.
One woman says to the other, "I have three lovers and I have names them all after soda pop.
The first one I named 7-up because he is seven inches long and always up.
The second one I named Mountain Dew because when he mounts me he knows what to do.
The third one I named Jack Daniels."

The second woman is confused and she says to the first woman, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda, it's a hard liquor."

The first woman says, “EXACTLY!" ..........................

 

[Coss]

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds.
Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman.
"Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success," she said.

Not really interested in the fat woman, the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud.
On this cloud was an average looking woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success."

Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find,
to his surprise, a large fat man. "Hello, hello, I'm Cess!" .......................................................................................

 

[Coss]

Hmmmm last one takes a minute, and you might have to read it 2 or 3 times to get it.................

This one is easier....

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no. Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World." ....................................TAH DAH!!!!

 

[Mark BEX]

Have you seen the new speed limit signs? They say "Speed limit 65,

In rural Asia the joke is:

A Policeman stops a mini van, and angrily says to the driver: "Did you know 20 is the maximum on this road"?

The driver turns to his passengers and says: "Ok, 8 of you will have to get out here ......".

 

[Mark BEX]

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds.
Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman.

A Lady is staying at a 'Private Ladies Only' hotel when the concierge points to a special elevator and says: "That elevator goes to 5 floors, you may go to each floor, see what they have to offer, and choose your floor accordingly. Just remember, you can only go up a floor, not back to an old one."

When she gets to the first floor, a sign says: Working men, short, overweight, average sized penis. She thinks, " Hmm, I'll go to the next floor up."

The second floor, a sign says: Buff, attractive, but not very talkative men, average sized penis. She thinks, " Hmm, I'll carry on to the next floor up."

The third floor, a sign says: Tall, smart men, talkative, larger than average penis. She thinks, " Hmm, I'll carry on to the next floor up."

Reaching the fourth floor, a sign reads: Buff, tall, attractive, talkative, smart men, all with degrees, sports cars, great careers, looking for marriage, desire children, very fit, above average penis, ready for all your personal desires. Very, very tempting, but again she decides: " I'll carry on to the next floor up."

Arriving on the fifth floor with anticipation pouring from inside, the elevator doors open, and the sign reads:

... "NEVER BLOODY SATISFIED ARE YOU".

 

[Mel]

In rural Asia the joke is:

A Policeman stops a mini van, and angrily says to the driver: "Did you know 20 is the maximum on this road"?

The driver turns to his passengers and says: "Ok, 8 of you will have to get out here ......".

View attachment 25030

Reminds me of the 2 Aggies who made the trip to Dallas to see adult movies. When they arrived, they saw a sign that said, "Under 18 not admitted." So they had to go home and get 16 friends.

 

[Coss]

What’s the difference between a woman and a cat?

One is a finicky eater who doesn’t care if you live or die.

The other is a house pet................................ ........................................

 

[Coss]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times." .....................

 

[Coss]

This is one of my very favorites:

A man has a habit of hitting lawyers with his car every time one crosses his path.
The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says, "Where to father?"

The priest replies, "the church." On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him.
He then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.
The man says to the priest, "I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer."

The priest says, "It's ok, I got him with the door."...........................................