Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Mel]

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But if you insist on doing so...know these:
1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
5. Don't tell us how you did it there. Nobody cares.
6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol...a Super-Duty pickup is.
8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door but the availability of shade.
10. If you are driving a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road, pull onto the shoulder. That is called "courtesy".
11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
12. Weddings, funerals and divorces must take into account the Rodeo & parade schedule.
13. Everything is better with hot sauce or BBQ sauce.
14. DO NOT honk your horn at us. It is obnoxious and we will sit there until we die.
15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass.
16. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.
17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.
18. No mater what kind, Sprite, Coke, Pepsi, Mtn Dew, it isn't called soda or pop. It is all called coke or drank!
19. There will always be a tractor on the two lanes when you are running late, so allow time for that.
20. If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes, it will change.
21. We respect and consider heroes, first responders, veterans and teachers.
22. The American, Texas, POW and Gadsden flags are considered sacred.
23. The Constitution is sacred...ALL of it!....ESPECIALLY THE SECOND AMENDMENT!
24. Unless you're prepared to fight for it, your political opinion may be best kept to yourself.
25. Many of us carry firearms, all of us carry knives.
26. God is sovereign and we PRAY!
~ God Blessed Texas!!!!

_hr

Pay special attention to #23.

 

[Coss]

I want to say a special thanks to our friend hawg_ryder that was a very very good post.

Thank you again and live on and ride free

Coss-

 

[Coss]

A guy painting the inside walls of an outhouse fell through the opening and landed in the muck at the bottom.
He shouted, “Fire! Fire! Fire! at the top of his lungs.

The fire department responded with sirens roaring as they approached. “Where’s the fire?” asked the chief.

“No fire,” replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole.

“But if I had yelled, ‘Shit! Shit! Shit!', who would have rescued me?” .......................................................

 

[Coss]

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One receives a D+, the second a D-, and the third an F.

“One day we should get her for this,” says the first boy.

“I agree. We’ll grab her…” says the second.

“Yeah,” says the third. “and then we’ll kick her in the nuts!” .........................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"​

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"​

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."​

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her
blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."​

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"​

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit."​

TRUE STORY! ​

 

[Coss]

The beautiful woman had just stepped out of the bathtub in her hotel suite and was about to reach for a towel
when she caught sight of a window washer taking in all of her charms.

Too stunned to move, she stood staring at the man.

“Whatcha lookin’ at, lady?” he finally asked. “Ain’tcha never seen a window washer before?”

 

[Coss]

Joe is frustrated with his marriage, and one day he starts packing a suitcase. His wife says, “What are you doing?”

He says, “I’m going to Australia. I hear the women there pay men $50 a pop just to bang them.”

His wife starts packing a suitcase too. Joe says, “What are you doing?”

She replies, “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you’re gonna live on hundred bucks a month.”

 

[Coss]

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back,
and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!"

A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!"

Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar." ................................................................

 

[Coss]

“Cheer up,” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague. “There are plenty of other fish in the sea.”

“Maybe so,” replied his despondent friend, “but the last one took all my bait.” ........................................................

 

[Coss]

Little Johnny goes to school one day and his dad tells the teacher Johnny has a gambling problem and might bet the kids for their lunch money.

The teacher said, "I can handle it." Well later that day Johnny’s dad gets a call from the teacher.
"I think I've cured Johnny’s betting problem," said the teacher.

"How?" asked Johnny’s dad.

"Well he bet me ten bucks there was a mole on my ass.
I took him to the teachers lounge and showed him there wasn’t one there. And I took his ten bucks."

"Damn, he bet me fifty bucks he would see the teachers ass before the day was through." ..................................