Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A magical frog is walking through the forest. He comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, "Since you are the first creatures I have seen,
I will grant you each three wishes."

The bear goes first and says, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest."

The rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." Poof they got their wish. For the bear’s second wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country."

The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle." Poof they got their wish.

For the bear's last wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the WHOLE world."

The rabbit makes his last wish by saying, "I wish the bear was gay."

Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away. ...................

 

[Coss]

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”

The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”

The wife grabbed her husband by the crotch and replied,

“And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”............... ..................

 

[Coss]

Three storks meet and ask each other, “Where are you going today?”

“Hooo, I'm going to a couple trying to have a child for 10 years... I bring them a little girl."

"That’s cool! And you?”

“I am going to see a lady who has never had children. I bring her a boy!"

“Very well, I'm sure she'll be really happy."

And you?” The first two ask the third stork.

“Me? I am going over to the nearby convent. I would never bring them anything, but I love to scare them.”

 

[Coss]

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear.

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?"

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?"

The man snaps, "Exactly!"

 

[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

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[hawg_ryder]

This pretty much sums it up!

 

[Coss]

Very true in the tensile strength, it's amazing how strong and oil line, or a heater hose is.
It's also a way to test what it takes to bend the hoist bar (those little bolts are a bitch sometimes)

 

[Mark BEX]

I just bought a snake that is 3.14 feet long.

It's a Pi thon.

 

[hawg_ryder]

Southerners!
Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity
_____
Southerners know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The creek
_____
Southerners know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah
_____
Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind
_____
Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Football
_____
Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna
_____
Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
_____
Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon
_____
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
_____
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that"just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines,
... and when we're "in line,"... we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain't right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin',"
you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk."
Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it
-- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities
at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.
You just say,"Bless her sweet little heart"... and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy
and call me in the morning.
Bless your little heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
Southern girls know men may come and go,
but friends are fah-evah!
There ain't no magazine named "Northern Living" for good reason.
There ain't nobody interested in livin' up north,
nobody would buy the magazine!
_____
Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had aben! If you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.



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