Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, "Okay Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"

"That’s not true," she replied, "but the last time you woke me up TWICE!" ................................................................

 

[Coss]

A man has a habit of hitting lawyers with his car every time one crosses his path.
The man sees a priest hitchhiking on the side of the road, so he picks him up and says, "Where to father?"

The priest replies, "the church." On the way, the man sees a lawyer and swerves to hit him.
He then remembers he has a priest in the car and tries to miss the lawyer but he still hears a thud.
The man says to the priest, "I'm sorry father, I almost hit that lawyer."

The priest says, "It's ok, I got him with the door." ................................................................................................

 

[Coss]

In Rio on a business trip, Sam found himself hampered, after working hours, by the fact that he did not know the language.
He was at once delighted and dismayed, therefore, when a surpassingly beautiful young Brazilian woman with a plunging neckline sat down at his restaurant table.

"Do you speak English?”

“Si,” she said with a bright white smile, “bot jus’ a leetle beet.”

“Just a little bit, eh?” Sam repeated joshing. “How much?”

“Ninety-five dollars,” was the prompt reply....................................

 

[Coss]

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest. She was very good at identifying the wine.
At the first taste she says, "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998!"

All the people were amazed. At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953!"

They were once again amazed. Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her. She tries it and says "Yuk, this tastes like piss!"

The drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?" ............................................................................

 

[Coss]

What is the meaning of embarrassment?

When you run into a wall with a hard on, and you break your nose first. ...............................................................................

 

[Coss]

A penguin is driving on a real hot day and suddenly his car starts acting up.
He pulls into the first station he sees, and while the mechanic checks the car, he goes to the Ice Cream Parlor across the street.

He gets a big cone, he makes a big mess with his flippers.
There is ice cream all over his face. He walks back across the street to check on his car.
He asks the mechanic, " We'll, what does it look like?"

The Mechanic replies, " It looks like you have blown a seal."

Penguin says, " Oh No! Its ice cream, REALLY!" .....................................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

There is one part wrong on that plate, it's on a Toyota......

It needs to be on a ( (insert name------) and has to be an old Pick Up)..................................

 

[Mel]

I'm surprised that it got past the censors.

 

[Coss]

What did the dumb blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

"Oh look! Donut Seeds!" .................................................................