Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[W. WIllie]

Grammer check needed?

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, " id you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "Yes!"

The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head, and BANG! Shoots him dead.
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man calmly responds, "No... but my wife did."............................................................

 

[Coss]

The beautiful woman had just stepped out of the bathtub in her hotel suite and was about to reach for a towel
when she caught sight of a window washer taking in all of her charms.

Too stunned to move, she stood staring at the man.

“Whatcha lookin’ at, lady?” he finally asked. “Ain’tcha never seen a window washer before?”..............................................

 

[Coss]

A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book. He asks him, "What are you reading?"

The elderly man answers, “A history book."

The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"

And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!" ..........................

 

[Coss]

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly announced, "$500 Porsche! New!"
The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, "It's worth a shot."

So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said, "Can I take it for a test drive?"

"Sure," answered the lady. Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly. When he got back to the lady's house,
he asked her, "Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

Then the lady replied with a laugh, "My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me,
'You can have the house and the furniture, just sell my Porsche and send me the money.'"................................................

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[Coss]

A woman visits a very posh Persian-rug store. She spots the perfect rug, walks over to inspect it,
and as she bends down to feel the texture, she rips a giant fart.

She looks behind her to see if anybody heard it, and all seems fine, but when she turns back around,
there’s a salesman standing next her. She says, “Umm, how much does this rug cost?”

The salesman says, “Lady, if you farted just from touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.” .......................................

 

[Coss]

A man picks up his girlfriend in his new Mercedes on the way back from his golf outing.
She slides in the front seat, looks down, and notices a box of tees. “What are these for?” she asked.

“That’s where we put our balls on before we drive,” he answers.

“Wow,” she says, “the Germans really think of everything.” .......................................................................

 

[Coss]

Billy Joe and his bride are on their honeymoon when their car breaks down.
They make it to a farmer’s house, and the farmer agrees to let them spend the night.
The next morning he yells up to them, “It is 11 o’clock. Are you coming down to breakfast?”

Billy Joe yells back, “We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The farmer yells, “Terrific. Live on the fruits of love.
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But would you please quit chuckn’ the peels out the window? You’re chokin’ my ducks.” ................................................