What did the bannana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shakin' for, she's going to swallow me!"...…..
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"What are you shakin' for, she's going to swallow me!"...…..
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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Johnny Acree
Elio Addict
- Joined
- May 12, 2014
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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, “Well, at least they’re together at last.”
The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?”
“None,” said the friend. “ I meant, her legs.”
The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?”
“None,” said the friend. “ I meant, her legs.”
hawg_ryder
Elio Addict
_hr
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?" And she said, "Take a sweater..."
One remarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies, and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
A month later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
I slapped my wife on the butt and said, "Well babe, is it sex or golf?" And she said, "Take a sweater..."
Two nuns go into a liquor store and ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels. The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."
The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems ok with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor.
Several hours later he closes the store and after walking a couple of blocks on his way home, he sees the two nuns laying in the gutter drunken than a skunk.
He exclaims, "I thought you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation?"
The nuns replied, "It is, because when she sees us piss drunk, she is going to shit!"
The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems ok with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor.
Several hours later he closes the store and after walking a couple of blocks on his way home, he sees the two nuns laying in the gutter drunken than a skunk.
He exclaims, "I thought you said it was for Mother Superior’s constipation?"
The nuns replied, "It is, because when she sees us piss drunk, she is going to shit!"
A guy sits down at a restaurant when the waiter comes over to see if he has any questions.
The guy puts down the menu and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?”
“Well, sir there’s not much to it. We just flat out tell them they’re going to die.”
The guy puts down the menu and says, “How do you prepare your chickens?”
“Well, sir there’s not much to it. We just flat out tell them they’re going to die.”
An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth.
The woman then whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair. Surprised and disorientated he said, "Now why did you do that?"
She replied, "That is for 50 years of horrible sex!"
So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack.
This time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says, "What was that for?”
He replied, "That is for knowing the difference."
The woman then whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair. Surprised and disorientated he said, "Now why did you do that?"
She replied, "That is for 50 years of horrible sex!"
So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack.
This time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says, "What was that for?”
He replied, "That is for knowing the difference."
Two kids decided to dress up as a cow for Halloween.
After hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled.
While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort you are making?"
The boy in the front says, "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bull racing towards them.
He says, "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast... It’s a big bull."
After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?"
The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass."
After hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled.
While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort you are making?"
The boy in the front says, "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bull racing towards them.
He says, "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast... It’s a big bull."
After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?"
The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass."
Many a person would ask what is a man's perfect breakfast. This is when an English breakfast is set before him with fresh orange juice.
On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front. On his left his very successful son on the Time's cover.
Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton.
On his right is the Vogue and his daughter is smiling happily on front. On his left his very successful son on the Time's cover.
Then when he opens the middle page of the Playboy, he finds his girlfriend on it, and while he throws some more milk in to his coffee, he sees his wife's face on the carton.