Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Coss]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

 

[Coss]

A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest, and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not far the shore of a lake.
The pastor needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore.
He then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.

The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, and then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.

The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank.
The pastor looked at the priest and said, "We really should have told him where the rocks are."

 

[Made in USA]

English language is quirky. You've heard of dreams and dreaming, but how about nightmares and "nightmaring"?

 

[hawg_ryder]

Post Surgery

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened
as a small tear ran down his cheek.

The girl was alarmed.
"What's the matter doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no-one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


_hr

 

[Coss]

This Indian lad was trying to understand the reason why he and his sibling had the names they had so he asked his mother, “Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?”

She answered, "Because he was conceived during a windstorm."

"Well, why is my sister's name Moonshine?"

"Because she was conceived when the moon was shining."

The poor little boy looked sad and confused. His mother said, ‘‘Why are you so sad and confused Broken rubber?''

 

[hawg_ryder]

THE JEWISH QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.

And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants,

all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are no longer my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest

sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us.

The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week,

and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"


The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”


_hr

 

[Coss]

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball match when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass.
“If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “the cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” said the second.

"Well," says the first guy, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.
There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Hasan the Genie.
I can grant you one wish.
' And I said, ‘No shit.’”

 

[hawg_ryder]

_hr

 

[hawg_ryder]

Best ad yet!

_hr

 

[Coss]

Old business man to a beautiful young model, "Would you consider sleeping with me for a million dollars?"

“Hmmm. Yes, I think I would," she says.

"Well," he says, "how about five dollars then?"

“How dare you! What sort of girl do you think I am?”

"Honey, we’ve already established that. Now we are just fixing on the price."