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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

hawg_ryder

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First time I heard this one the student was an Aggie!;)

A young Arkie goes off to college.
Half way through the semester,having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend - he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at
Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!”


"That's amazing," his Dad says."How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?”


"Just send him over here with $1,000", the young Arkie says, "and I'll get him in the course." So, his Father sends the
dog and $1,000.


About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.


The boy calls home.

"So, how's Ole' Blue doing son?"his Father asks.


"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,"he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to
teach the animals how to read!”

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”


"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.”

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester.


But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his wayout of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend

to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.

She very quickly came up with a plan for him.So, she has him shoot the dog.


When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!”


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive

home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kickedback in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does”.

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so -is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?”


The Father went white and exclaimed,


"I hope you shot that lying dog
before he talks to your Mother!”

"I sure did, Daddy!


"That's my boy!”


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hawg_ryder

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appeal.png
:D



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hawg_ryder

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A bit long but funny!

The Gunny was bragging to the Captain one day. You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them.
Tired of his boasting, the Captain called his bluff, Okay, Gunny, how about Tom Cruise.
Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.
So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Gunny ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!
Although impressed, the Captain is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Gunny that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. No, no, just name anyone else, the Gunny says. President Bush, the Captain quickly retorts.
Yep I know him, let's fly out to Washington.
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, Gunny, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Captain come on in and let's catch up.
Well, the Captain is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Gunny, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope, the Captain replies. Sure, I've known the Pope a long time. So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Gunny says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Gunny emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time he returns, he finds that the Captain has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his side, the Gunny asks the Paramedics what happened to him.
The Captain looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, Who's that on the balcony next to the Gunny.


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Coss

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A farmer and his wife were outside in their field and saw a spaceship land.
Out of this spaceship came two strange creatures and one said, "Hello earthlings, we are here to find out about your human sex life.
Will you swap partners with us for a day?"

The farmer and his wife agreed. The next morning, the farmer asked his wife, "What happened?"

His wife replied, "It was the best sex I ever had!
When he turned his left ear, his dick grew to 16 inches long, and when he turned his right ear, it grew as fat as a sausage.”
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Then the farmer screamed, "Well no wonder that bitch tried to rip my ears off!"...…………………...:scared:
 

Coss

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Little Johnny’s father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don’t want to know!" Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what is wrong.

"Oh daddy," Johnny sobs, "at age six I got the 'there is no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there is no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age eight you hit me with the 'there is no tooth fairy' speech.
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If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to live for.”...…………………………...:drum:
 

hawg_ryder

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During a U2 concert in Belfast, Ireland Bono asked the crowd for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap
my hands a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Irish accent pierced the quiet:

"Well, fookin' stop doin' it then, ya evil bahstard!"
:p


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