Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )

[Folks]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud men, shouting Pro-Hamas, Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Okay, I'll stop now.

If anyone actually read the Koran they would not have left them there in the road but would have given them a decent burial in a pig sty.

 

[Kuda]

Here's a great one for all the people on this board:

"We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."

A rising tide (investment) raises all ships.......

 

[DWR]

Learning to cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss.
"The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hel* and you say something with as*." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hel*, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat as* it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[Kuda]

Learning to cuss

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss.
"The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast,
I'm gonna say something with hel* and you say something with as*." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hel*, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat as* it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[RMClubfitter]

The Average person walks 900 miles per year
And drinks 22 gallons of beer..

Which means the average person gets
41 miles per gallon.

Not Elio good but not bad

 

[Folks]

The Average person walks 900 miles per year
And drinks 22 gallons of beer..

Which means the average person gets
41 miles per gallon.

Not Elio good but not bad

does anyone have the formula to convert calories to gals of gas?

 

[Folks]

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School .

One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes on this site.

 

[Critter]

a gallon of gasoline contains about 30,000 calories. This means that a car getting 30 miles per gallon is burning about 1,000 calories per mile. found on the internet, so it must be true

 

[DWR]

Public toilets

I was in in the public toilet - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

 

[eddie66]

IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.

He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.

He didn't.

I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.