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Jokes! ( Not Necessarily Work Safe )
- Thread starter Keith Dahl
- Start date
Ty
Elio Addict
Two muffins sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The other muffin says "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
Last edited:
RUCRAYZE
Elio Addict
A man walks into a souvenir store at a resort town and browses around.
Soon he finds a small brass statue of a rat he likes.
The store owner tells him: 'the rat is $25.-, but there's very interesting story behind it, but that will cost you another $100.-'.
The man says: 'no thanks, just sell me the rat' and walks out of the store with his purchase.
Pretty soon he notices that more and more rats are following him wherever he goes.
So he walks down to the river, throws the rat statue in and all the rats jump after it and drown.
He walks back to the store and the store owner says: 'I bet now you want to know the story'.
The man says: 'No, but do you have any brass lawyer statues?'
Soon he finds a small brass statue of a rat he likes.
The store owner tells him: 'the rat is $25.-, but there's very interesting story behind it, but that will cost you another $100.-'.
The man says: 'no thanks, just sell me the rat' and walks out of the store with his purchase.
Pretty soon he notices that more and more rats are following him wherever he goes.
So he walks down to the river, throws the rat statue in and all the rats jump after it and drown.
He walks back to the store and the store owner says: 'I bet now you want to know the story'.
The man says: 'No, but do you have any brass lawyer statues?'
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates
and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a
foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling
coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he
was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over
the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her
response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my
heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me!”
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates
and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a
foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling
coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he
was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over
the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her
response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he
reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked
if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my
heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me!”
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud men, shouting Pro-Hamas, Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Okay, I'll stop now.
Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
Okay, I'll stop now.
think about it :
How about some one liners;
"Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and caffeine."
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night."
"Old age is no place for sissies."
"No man is ever old enough to know better."
"Ever notice that people never say "It's only a game" when they're winning?"
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."
Resistance isn't futile, it is voltage divided by current.
"Organization and good planning are just crutches for people that can't handle stress and caffeine."
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night."
"Old age is no place for sissies."
"No man is ever old enough to know better."
"Ever notice that people never say "It's only a game" when they're winning?"
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it."
Resistance isn't futile, it is voltage divided by current.
Here's a great one for all the people on this board:
"We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."
"We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."
One more:
The Patch:
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking"?
The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "We're on the patch, trying to quit."
The Patch:
Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time.
The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car, so he pulls over.
The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "Just do this. Pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."
So, they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads.
The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking"?
The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "We're on the patch, trying to quit."